Hello Max

It is not at all hard to believe how difficult it is for you to come to terms with the pain and disillusion of the past.  I went through the exact same thing when I exited 3 years ago myself. And more importantly showing the humility and the courage to talk things through, this is a huge step and you are doing the absolute best thing for yourself right now by reaching out.

The important thing now is for you to recover your own life, your own sense of self discovery and identity. Things that we as premies readily surrendered in tribute to maharaji.  You need these things for yourself and you can take them back. It takes work and it takes courage and it takes letting go of lost dreams but these were his dreams not yours and no one elses. 

There is very important work which one needs to do in order to clear the cobwebs and concepts of so many years of indoctrination and reclaim your identity.

Those of us who have faced up to the truth and reality of what was really going all of these years with M and the cult are very familiar with the painful emotional process that you are now confronting.  This is the first step, when the pain and disillusionment disappear as it will, clarity and understanding will prevail.

You have your own dreams mixed up in his, life dreams that are essential to you and you alone. You will discover as I did that not just the maha, but no one deserves your essence anymore than you, your very own self.

I want you to know that I will help you get through this. I am a three decade survivor of the cult myself  1972 -2001. I will be here for you on the forum as well as offline if you prefer.

Let me know if you would like additional personal dialogue by private response, just check the box where is says private reply

All the best,

Brian