Whilst Cainer looks up to the stars and wonders if it would be a wise thing of displaying a bit of candour on the part he has played in the growth of the Rawat cult he recieves a good old ribbing from his fellow colleages in Fleet Street. 

For this virgo, the future's starry;Opinion

Daniel Finkelstein
1,105 words
22 June 2004
Times2 3
English
(c) 2004 Times Newspapers Limited. All rights reserved

IT IS OBVIOUS THAT BEING AN ASTROLOGER IS A FAR MORE PROMISING CAREER THAN WRITING ABOUT POLITICS. IT'S TIME TO MAKE THE CHANGE

IF I WANT to make a name for myself I've got to get going this week. So must Harry Connick Jr, Prince Harry, Twiggy and Jimmy Carter's former chief of staff Hamilton Jordan. It would be a big career week, too, for Conway Twitty and Ivan the Terrible if they weren't dead.

I learnt all this from reading Closer magazine's advice to Virgos. It's lucky we're not Sagittarians. According to an article in last week's Daily Telegraph (flagged on its front page), we would be spending our time in call-girl role-playing.

I've been studying my horoscope because I'm thinking of changing professions.

This thought has been prompted by discovering the identity of the best-paid writer in national newspapers. You might fondly imagine that it could be Matthew Parris or Simon Jenkins. Perhaps that tabloid titan Richard Littlejohn might take the title. And surely Boris Johnson must stand a chance by virtue of the sheer number of jobs he holds down. But have I got news for you. The best-paid writer in national newspapers is a man called Jonathan Cainer.

A few days ago, with Chat magazine's stargazer promising me that some sort of promotion was about to be mine (it wasn't), all the luck was going to Cainer. He was returning to the Daily Mail as its astrologer. His exact wage was not disclosed, but when he left the Mail four years ago even the offer of a rumoured million-pound salary was not enough to keep him. I'm definitely in the wrong job.

The reason why this sort of money is on offer is simple. Astrology sells newspapers. It is said that when The Mail on Sunday offered readers an astrology supplement it added 12.5 per cent to its circulation. Americans spend $200 million a year finding out about their horoscopes, and surveys suggest that our own interest and belief in star signs is comparable.

Contrast this with the poor turnout in elections and it is obvious that being an astrologer is a far more promising career than writing about politics. It's time to make the change. There's not a moment to lose. As Take a Break magazine informs me, my creative powers, just at the moment, are supercharged.

Now, you may feel that I might need to have some powers of clairvoyance to succeed in my new profession. Fortunately I have discovered that this is not entirely necessary. The successful astrologer is able to hint that they will offer you a prediction without, in fact, predicting all that much.

Blazoned across the front of the Daily Mail are the words "Jonathan Cainer. What he is predicting for you -AND the England football team". Inside, he informs me that the world is full of people obsessed with their own self-importance who cannot bring themselves to see how important I am (correct) and that I "have long since learned to laugh at the world and its vainglorious folly" (correct).

As for England, after noting that Frank Lampard is a Gemini, Cainer concludes: "If you're looking for a prediction about how well England will do in Portugal this year, try this: sometimes, no matter how much people say they want an astrologer to tell them the future, they really don't want to know. Even that's probably saying too much. Sorry."

After reading this I've thought deeply about my abilities as a forecaster and concluded, modestly, that I am probably up to it. Eve magazine is right, a cash windfall could be coming my way.

I'm reassured that even if I should venture a false prediction my followers will be tolerant. One magician has great success in providing people with personality descriptions based on their birth details. Only when he is being thanked by a marvelling subject does he reveal that he is reading them a chart produced for someone else by another astrologer.

Readers tend to remember your hits and forget your misses. They also interpret mundane coincidence as spooky. For instance, in an unintentionally hilarious article the author Jeanette Winterson describes how she was converted to the merits of the TV Times astrologer after she was warned to give up karate. Two weeks later she dislocated her shoulder. She should have been warned to give up writing articles.

With my new job in the offing (according to Cosmopolitan the offer will come in October), I have only to overcome my unreasonable scepticism.

I worry, for instance, that on days when I'm due to meet a tall, dark stranger there doesn't seem to be anyone else due to meet a medium-height, bespectacled Jew.

I'm also concerned that everyone's star sign carries admiring references to their acumen and moral strength. Why don't I ever open the paper to find: "You are a buffoon and August will be a disaster. You may be faced with a challenge but you will weasel your way out as you always do."

Some say, of course, that you can't put your trust in magazine horoscopes, that you need a proper chart done just for you. Unfortunately a study of 100 characteristics of 2,000 babies born in early March 1958 within minutes of each other found no evidence of any similarity. Similarly, a review of the work of 700 astrologers found their assessments of personality no better than that which could be achieved by guesswork.

There was a flurry of excitement in the world of star-sign-gazers recently when a member of the Royal Astronomical Society, Percy Seymour, argued that, while he didn't believe in horoscopes, the planets did have an influence on us. No other scientists agreed, but the notoriously sceptical Richard Dawkins was quoted as providing support for the heretical idea and regarding it as "interesting".

What Dawkins actually said in full, in response to Seymour's theory about foetal development, was: "Well, that's all very interesting, no doubt, but what the hell does it have to do with astrology?"

All this negative evidence is worrying, naturally, but I've decided not to let it bother me. Normally I would, of course. But Good Housekeeping says that this month I'm in tune with my feelings and I should let my instincts decide for me.

(c) Times Newspapers Ltd, 2004