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...I suppose I should stir myself from the torpor reading your post generates in me......and reply......hoping ( but I'm not holding my breath...ha ha ) that by some miracle you might understand. "At least Lexy admits - there was some fun to be had but in the end it was all (so horribly exploitative.....and) spoilt by my own anxious (premie) mindset."
What I meant was....had I been released from my subservience to the Lord of the Universe and the accompanying baggage of trying to be a good devotee and doing "service" conscientiously just as my lord had instructed me to, I could have just done whatever I wanted to and that would have been far more fun, believe me.Everything was spoilt by the huge responsibility of " practising the knowledge" and doing it right. What a f###ing burden.....That was a large part of my anxiety, Reporter. I'm just shaking it off now but it has a tendency to stick after all these years as I've forgotten how I used to live without it. Some of the "service" I did as a premie I really would have enjoyed if it hadn't been for the anxiety.I wish I had just hung around and pretended to be a premie.
I am learning to live in a new world now....free.... and to have proper friendships,just like I used to before I ever heard of the guru.
Modified by Lexy at Fri, Oct 14, 2005, 20:42:17
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