Yes, this medium is not the greatest, no eye contact, body language, etc. But I appreciate all the thoughtful responses, lots to think about

You said: Maybe that's just me,but I really did get into this by accident, not because I was a 'seeker'

I was a 'seeker,' going from thing to thing, trying to have an inner experiece, a junkie for what I thougth was love or getting high. Hitchhiking around, living in communes, dancing with the Hare Krishnas..you name it, I tried it. So basically I'm saying that my own personal journey involved wanting a connection and I ended up worshiping the 'big' guy... (no pun intended). To me, the meditation felt good but was only a means to trying to get 'closer inside' to M. I guess that was the myth I was following and as you said I bought the con and all the trappings. And the group high. Looking back, I now describe that group high as me "leaning in" trying to get high on anything. Just listen to that song one more time on the tape, just try to recreate the feeling when he danced, watch the video, hey someone loves me...but once I got healthy...he didn't look so good anymore.

You said: It may be true that some people have the religious instinct more strongly than others

Yes, you could say I had it in spades, but I now think that some forms of what look like religious instinct are a sort of dysfunctional 'longing' to check out of life...just a thought.