I had posted sometime ago that I never felt "love" for Maharaji when I was a premie.  I thought I did, and I wanted to, but I can't say I ever did.  I had a hard time feeling anything approaching "love" for him, and when I felt "it," I now know that "it" was NOT love.  I also said that I was happier after I left the cult.  When I said that, I got a couple of questions posed to me by a premie.  They seemed reasonable, so I'm answering them here.

Anyhow, here's the questions and my answers.  Any one of you ex-premies would have variations on this with maybe some things similar and some different.  Unlike what premies and EV say about us, we are all individuals, and our views are different on practically everything about Rawat and his cult.

If you never loved Maharaji, and you didn’t really experience anything of note (I deduce this because you noticed no difference after stopping practicing), I’m curious to know why you committed so much of yourself over that 10 year period?

I don't believe I ever said I 'didn't experience anything of note.' I very much wanted it to be true, and I believed, and I had faith, devotion, and that got me high at certain points. Maharaji was the object of that, but he had otherwise absolutely nothing to do with it.   The delusion I bought into as a premie was that I was better off being premie than not being one, and I had nothing whatsoever to base that on, except the belief system that being a premie was better.  Really, that's all it really was, I later found out.   Some nice things happened after I received knowledge, mostly because I uprooted my life and left all my problems, but all I did was get a whole new set of problems, along with a belief that I didn't really have any.

So, I stayed because I believed. This isn't unusual, you know. People remain monks and nuns, people stay committed to causes, even though they aren't really happy doing it because they believe in it.   But it's really only cults that have built into them this idea that you aren't supposed to ever doubt it.   That means cults are dangerous because you can get stuck in them.

You can live in a system in which you attribute all the good things that would happen to you anyway, to Maharaji, and if you believe he is the source of those good things, you might feel grateful to him and even feel "love" for "him."  But again, that isn't who he really is, it's the ideology he puts out, the guy on stage, the "all powerful" source of nice things in your life.  That's what you "love," not Maharaji.

In other words, your love for him is the result of a belief system.  That's what it was for me, but until you get out from under it, it's very, very hard to see it for what it is.

Why?  Well, partly it's because Maharaji, who I believed in, said that doubt wasn't allowed, in fact he had a commandment against it. So, if you don't allow yourself to doubt, and always discount it when you do, how do you even get objective enough to know you are unhappy and want to leave, or ever question your "love?"

 I also believed him when he sold us that pile of crap about our minds being evil and out to get us. In fact, when I received knowledge, I immediately afterwards was given a letter signed by Maharaji himself saying that now that I had received knowledge that my mind was going to start bothering me, and that I shouldn't listen to it.  Rather, I should have faith in Maharaji and just practice knowledge and "constantly...remember holy name."  Not only was this not true, it was a really destructive belief to have.

Those are the reasons. Also, I was really young when I got involved in the cult and I was looking for something to believe in.  It was a time in my life of a lot of change, and I wanted something to hold on to that I believed was constant.   Many people were in the same place as me, and it's why most of the people who got into the cult were young.  It's the same reason people get involved in Religions.

Plus, I think the longer you are in, it gets harder to question it, because it means that you have to question something you have been into for a much longer time, and that is harder the longer it's been. It's easier sometimes just to continue believing rather than really question, really open up to the possibility that it is all bosh.

It's scary to do that, and that's why I have a lot of admiration for ex-premies who have done that, especially many of them who were in the cult way longer than I ever was, because I know how difficult it can be. It's completely worth it, though, because it's better to know the truth, be true to yourself, rather than carry on with the Maharaji security blanket.

I mean, the two primary reasons why a premie today would say they follow Maharaji -- even in light of all the negative stuff you guys are kicking around –- is they have a genuine love of Maharaji and/or a wonderful experience of practicing K. If in fact you didn’t have either, why on earth would you commit yourself to the degree you did for 10 years of your life? Straight fear and coersion?

Yes, that is the resvised, stated version of what being a premie is today, as opposed to what it used to be as openly declared. 

I would also have said I was having a great experience, even when I wasn't.  I think premies are so programmed into believing that they are SUPPOSED to be having a great experience that they actually think they are, even when they aren't.  I know, I've been there.

In addition, another reason I stayed, which I don't think premies say anymore because Maharaji has quietly dropped it from his claims, is that Maharaji was on the planet and was bringing peace to the world, and I wanted to be a part of it, even if it wasn't always pleasant, even if I was too small and ignorant to understand what he was actually doing, what his 'divine plan' was, but I wanted to dedicate my life to that and serve him. Now, Maharaji has dropped all those claims, so I guess premies wouldn't say that anymore.   From what I gather, the cult has become a lot more narcissistic.  Everybody is just out to have a nice experience, to feel "peace" to see their friends, and feel special, and then worship Rawat.  I can't figure out what else there is.

But in any cult, you don't just 'leave' because you are 'unhappy.' Of course you don't. In this cult, if you stay, you are indoctrinated by Maharaji to believe it didn't matter whether you were happy or unhappy, the point was that the purpose of your life was to devote your life to Maharaji (insert endless stupid, Hindu stories about people waiting for years cleaning their houses everyday, just waiting for on minute when the Perfect Master stops by, or enjoying being beaten by the master ,etc.)

And I do not deny that there is a certain high you can get, sometimes, by feeling powerless, submissive to the master, feeling you have something that others don't have, and turning over your own better judgment and analysis to Maharaji, as your "imaginary all-powerful, supernatural, guy."  That can feel kind of good, sometimes --- but it's at a very great cost.  It also strikes me as antithetical to what it means to be a human being.  In my own experience of my own life, I have learned that I am happiest, most fulfilled, and most self-actuated (thanks Abraham Maslow), when I do my best to stand on my own two feet, do good work, share love with others, particularly in my personal relationships, and be as open as possible to what the world and other people have to offer.  In my experience, being a premie was not helpful in that regard, and in fact closed me down to many experiences, and was a kind of security blanket,  causing stagnation.  Plus, it wasn't that fun.

And unless you know Maharaji personally, I do not believe what you feel for him is 'love' in any human sense of that term. Sorry, I just think that's delusion