Hi Silvia,

One of the reasons I still go into detail about DECA is that for years the only thing I did talk about was all the darshan, etc. that went on there.  All those hundreds of darshan stories!  "Maharaji said this and he touched that and he looked at me and he walked over there and did this...blah, blah, blah...!" 

I don't need to have a debate with Eileen about DECA.  I know what went on there, and she really doesn't.  Also, I did blame myself for getting so sick.  I blamed myself for not having the physical stamina that Maharaji required of me even though I worked all day every day and night.  For him.

I blamed myself for the situation that Maharaji put me in there, as well as the hundreds of other premies.  You didn't say no to Maharaji!  Christ!  Premies weren't even allowed to talk to him unless he spoke to them first.  That was a big rule there. Speak only if spoken to.  Continue working unless he approaches your work area, then stand up.  I'd like to know how Eileen would have dealt (as an ashram premie herself) with that situation, day in and day out, having him standing in front of her, demanding things.  Eileen:  "Maharaji, I'm quitting unless you stop all the chemicals in here!"  Yeah, right!  You are the responsible ashram premie Eileen.  You know what the answer to that would have been? 

"Then go!  There are plenty of fresh, healthy bodies where you came from.  And plenty of surrendered premies where you came from."  That's exactly how he treated us but I was too brainwashed to see it then.

Eileen and so many other premies don't understand that they are in a cult and what that means.  So, when they come to this forum, it's my chance to set the record straight about DECA and the DLM sponsored divorces. 

It's very strange that premies to this day are not allowed to ask Maharaji any direct or serious questions to his face -- even when they are standing in front of him with a microphone in a hall -- yet, they think that the DECA premies had any real choices about what he was asking us to do back then. It's really a disconnect of common sense and logical thinking. And it's so easy for them to judge me.  I literally worked until I dropped and I was one of the first to go (I had been one of the first to arrive) so I felt even more unworthy and deficient as a premie doing service at the Lord's f**cking feet.  I had failed him.

Talking about it also helps me to work through the shame that I still feel because of those divorces that I helped facilitate at Divine Light Mision headquarters.  There were children involved and I was so focused upon worshipping Maharaji's feet, that I didn't listen to my conscience that was telling me this is so wrong. I pushed it out of my mind. 

You don't break up families for your guru, so you guru can have an airplane or a renovation on his residence! I think about all those now grown up kids and I feel very ashramed I was ever involved in that.  I should have said something about it but I was too sick at the time, I was barely able to make it through a day, and  I also was very afraid. 

And even to this day, premies are so focused upon protecting Maharaji's f**king image they try to tell me that I was never even there!  Premies are still trying to mindf**k people after all these years, (by his grace).

Yeah, thinking about it makes me mad and sad. But, hey, Silvia -- I should put it out of my mind, right? 

Cynthia

Note:  When I wrote the word above "ashramed" I meant to write ashamed but when editing this post, realized they are the same thing..