and I know that I'm a die-hard, bleeding-heart, liberal, humanist, we-shall-overcome, lefty,

No, really? Who'd have though it? ho hum.

Depression and sucidal ideation, do not tend to give you good self-awareness, that's for sure.

True.

Funnily enough, though, I've just started on a book " Life after life" about a double murderer/hard case. It's really an autobiographical account of his time in prison. Solitary confinements, intimidation from others seeking a name on the back of his reputation....all sorts. Thus far, it's a fascinating account of a man under continual pressure for two decades or so. During that time his big thing was the power of  his will. He would do intensive workout trainings and apart from blowing some dope on a Friday & Saturday evening with a few select pals would just keep himself to himself. Here's a selection of the weirdo's quotes: " I'm not like you fucking straight people, the beast is strong in me"  -" physical pain had long since become merely a transient sensation, leaving no lasting image"- " If that which does not kill you makes you stronger, then I had become immensely strong." Obviously a hardened con like this guy is a far cry from a gentle soul like John but I thought I'd mention it as it's a depiction of mind under pressure, in extremis.

( Incidentally, the guy went on to take a humanities degree and became an Author/script writer/media commentator.Though he spent half of his life in prison, the second half of the book  details his falling hopelessly and desperately in love. I cant wait to get that part. Here's the blurb for that : The relationship was a fiery and tempetuous one, and one destined to end in disaster. Her life was fuelled by an overpowering drug habit that led them to associate with the dark underbelly of London life.Then, in a cruel twist of fate, she bacame victim to a suicide-pact serial killer.What happened next almost defies belief.... ) 

Anyhow, last night I watched the last segement of a 6-part series on PBS on Auschwitz. 

Me too. Probably the same series we've been watching.Fascinating but almost unbearably sad at times.But yeah, the category A prisoner I referred to and Auschwitz, in particular, are different universes compared to the cult & John. Still, mind under pressure and all that. As you say, at that self-preservation level we'd all function in ways that, in normal circumstances, would appear absurd from the outside.

Yeah, let's hope John recovers from his trials and tribulations.

Anyway, gotta dash off ....