Hi again and this is for everybody,

When I first started posting on the ex-premie forum I had never been on the internet before.  I've learned so much since then.  Being naive at the time (about the internet) I started posting with my real name, and indeed, I revealed so much about my life -- not just as a premie -- but my whole life.  Very personal and private things that I can't unring the bell about now.  I did it because there is such an enormous stigma in the way people think and speak about mental illnesses or emotional disorders, that it was my hope by talking freely about myself, I could help to remove that stigma for others.  Sure, I got some benefit from it myself -- I've never claimed to be totally selfless! 

After some time online "premies" started to use this information against me.  What has been done to me and said about me since then is so horrible that I would never repeat it anywhere online and definitely not here.  These premies didn't just call me names but they used the true information about myself, that I talked about, in order to deliberately make me suffer, to break me down. They succeeded because I have suffered so much because of it, and yes, I have broken down.  Yet, those premies haven't stopped me because I have never lied, not about myself or about Maharaji, and my involvement with him.

Sometimes I come across a such a "toughy" that people may think I don't have any feelings at all.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  I cannot tell anyone, even my own husband, how much pain those "premies" have caused me over the past three or so years.  I don't think anyone can ever know because I can't express it, but it's happened.  I can't find the words to put to the pain.  But, I am tough, and I won't quit telling the truth about the cult I was once in, because others have felt so free to inflict pain upon me. I've told the truth, so no way am I going to be silenced.

There's a huge difference between expressing anger and expressing hate.  I think that expressing anger is an important part of leaving any cult. Former cult members -- specifically ex-premies must be able to feel free to do that here.  It's righteous anger and through the expression of it, the anger dissipates.  It must be safely expressed, however, I've always said that anger turned to unchecked rage can be dangerous to others and especially for the person who's enraged.  Therefore, it's important to notice the anger in someone else and respond to it appropriately.

One of my observations now about some ex-premies is their cry to have no censorship -- in the name of free speech.  I've been thinking about this a lot.  Sometimes, I think that plain old honesty is sometimes confused with free speech and expression.  "Oh those mods!!!"  Yesterday, the mods were called Nazis. The post got deleted, thank goodness.

No ex-premie has ever stopped me from being truthful, nor has my free speech ever been abridged, not in the past and certainly not now.  The only folks who are trying to abridge my right to tell the truth are "premies" and Rawat himself.  Ironic?  No.  That's what a cult is all about.

That said, it is understandable that we would feel sensitive to the issue of free speech, because we were constantly told by Prem Rawat to "not say this or that," and worse, we were told that we should not even think.  We were told to "divinely lie" for him.  So many of us did -- freely. 

My point is that I'm tired of being one of the few people who still uses their real name on this and other forums, just so that others can freely speak anonymously without taking responsibility for what is said.  I've paid for the rights of others dearly and under my name and address -- and I continue to pay for it.  I most definitely am not saying that everyone (or anyone) else should "out" themselves.  Quite the contrary.  I probably understand the reasons for anonymity better than most.

What I'm saying to everyone is this:  Please don't forget (and think about this, please) that any one of you who uses an alias, and expresses your free speech, does so at my personal expense.  Why?  Because I and a few others get your free speech nailed on our heads by Rawat's cult and by others.  We take the heat  for all that you do and say, while you cry for freedom of speech under aliases. 

Please, don't tell me you need your freedom of speech to post anonymously!  I find that argument bizarre and frankly, I don't want to hear it or read about it anymore.  You have the comfort of anonymity.  I don't.  I just wish that more folks understood that everything they say I get blamed for -- by name.  Anyone who anonymously puts up a website, I get blamed for it -- by name. Think about that, please, and also think about how much courage it takes to use a fake name in the "name of free speech." 

I don't have now, nor do I ever want any power over what any, and I mean any ex-premie says or does.  I don't want to be taking the responsibility for it either. Shit, I've never even met any ex-premies face to face. 

Why on Earth would I want to have power over others?  I was in a blankety blank, mind-numbing cult where I gave up all of my own power to Rawat and he was so eager to own it!    

Cynthia