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Posted by:
praline ®

12/30/2016, 07:00:16
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Happy new year dear expremies
Praline, still on board and still out of any cult 






Modified by praline at Fri, Dec 30, 2016, 07:01:41

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Re: Best wishes
Re: Best wishes -- praline Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
karenl ®

12/30/2016, 07:07:21
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Hi Praline,

Great to see you here!

Happy No Cult New Years to ALL of us. Every day cult free above ground is a wonderful day!

Love to all of us.

Karen






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Re: Romance
Re: Re: Best wishes -- karenl Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
auggie55 ®

12/30/2016, 10:57:57
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I remember laying on her side of the bed to make it warm after her conference call on launching the keys videos. She replaced the photo of Rawat with a photo of us on the bedside table after I complained. I still love all my current PWK friends, they're all good people. I'm glad to all you folks for being here once my curiosity led me.







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it's an almost invisible transfer or power
Re: Re: Romance -- auggie55 Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
Manincar ®

12/30/2016, 16:13:00
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Hi Auggie, what you describe is a normal person's fluctuation between two emotional extremes. When I was a younger premie, I had no problem trying on different roles and allegiances. I loved satsang and meditation, but on weekends I would sneak out of the ashram to explore swimming holes and hiking trails, or in some cases a Dead Show. I read books galore and loved making music.

But as time went by, the noose of devotion ratcheted tighter and tighter. I could no longer consider time with old friends or natural interests. It became a battle of wills, as I adopted single-mindedness. Rawat's mission demanded an escalating form of attention and sacrifice.

Yes there was something to be gained from constant focus....but to what end ? Meanwhile my guru was demonstrating every type of material excess, obviously delusional or existing in some rarefied air (maybe he was on drugs or an alcoholic?) I can't think of another explanation. 

Satgurus held a special get-out-of-jail-free card in those days called "Lila". This was a blanket excuse for any behavior or activity that didn't fall within plausible explanation. And boy did Rawat exploit that clause in the fine print (of our contract). We ate it up of course, it explained everything...

With my own PWK friends I finally had to lay down the gauntlet: "Either come to terms with your fantasy world, or stop expecting the rest of the world to pander to your phony spiritualism". To date only a few of them have stepped up to the challenge. It's easier to drift around society like a gypsy: no honor, no backbone, no real contribution.

Two cents wiser? I think so.   Mark B







Modified by Manincar at Fri, Dec 30, 2016, 16:21:34

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Re: it's an almost invisible transfer or power
Re: it's an almost invisible transfer or power -- Manincar Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
lesley ®

12/31/2016, 02:08:36
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great post, Mark B.  

to pick up your musings on what it was like for Rawat, I don't think he's delusional so much as existing in the rarefied air of a bubble - keeping his true thoughts and feelings hidden from the people around.  Those who most trust him don't know the real him.






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Re: Romance
Re: Re: Romance -- auggie55 Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
praline ®

12/31/2016, 04:09:20
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It seems like there is a thread confusion but the stroy is nice






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Re: Romance
Re: Re: Romance -- praline Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
Manincar ®

12/31/2016, 18:19:39
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Sorry Praline, I get off topic quickly. Yes happy new year with no cult in tow, thank goodness.

I just can't imagine the holiday time that Prem engages in though ?   I mean what does he celebrate besides himself ? It's a first-world problem that he created: East meets West with a new age twist and a dwindling audience.

But I guess his kids still invite him over for dinner...who knows ? It must be lonely at the top. Or maybe he's indoctrinating a fresh group of initiates capable of worshiping washed-up, prune faced gurus ?

Hmm, I guess I'm being harsh...perhaps he should try his hand in Bollywood.
 






Modified by Manincar at Sat, Dec 31, 2016, 18:21:35

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Re: Romance
Re: Re: Romance -- Manincar Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
praline ®

12/31/2016, 19:26:39
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My idea is that a rich, very rich man is never alone, because people like wealth ! the richness means power, and the power is sexy ! There must be a lot of sycophant around him ! 






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Re: Romance on Fesseden St, NW
Re: Re: Romance -- praline Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
DCcultmember ®

12/31/2016, 22:05:08
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Current value of ashram/cult house on Fesseden is 10 million






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Re: Romance on Fesseden St, NW
Re: Re: Romance on Fesseden St, NW -- DCcultmember Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
PRALINE ®

01/01/2017, 13:22:22
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Is the perfect master the owner ? 







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Re: Romance on Fesseden St, NW
Re: Re: Romance on Fesseden St, NW -- DCcultmember Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
Kenmacphee ®

01/01/2017, 21:28:43
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I'm seeing 1-2 million range on Zillow for houses on that street. My first satsang was there. 






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Re: Best wishes
Re: Re: Best wishes -- karenl Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
praline ®

12/31/2016, 04:10:17
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Happy New Year, Praline and everyone...
Re: Best wishes -- praline Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
Cynthia ®

01/01/2017, 11:22:30
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Thanks for your good wishes. 








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Re: Happy New Year, Praline and everyone...
Re: Happy New Year, Praline and everyone... -- Cynthia Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
PRALINE ®

01/01/2017, 13:17:59
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You're welcome dear Cynthia






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Re: Best wishes
Re: Best wishes -- praline Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
Genny ®

01/01/2017, 13:32:21
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Happy New Year

Yes...good tidings and all lovely things for you beautiful souls this year...and always.  I tend to want to rebel against this (and so many others) holiday...it's just a bunch of numbers we have placed on the passage of the sun, based on one man's existence...

If it weren't for Jesus, I wonder what the number would be now .  And who or what we would base it on then...I'm sure you all have much better ideas than I do.  It all just feels a little weird to me...the entire world is celebrating something new so I can't help but feel it...this odd sense of renewal and new beginnings that belong to Spring, not Winter.  

But there is something lovely about it...the excitement of the countdown that seems to be free from all the ways we have divided ourselves.  One big party for the whole world, pretty great.

For me, resolutions aren't the key...it's reflection and acting on gratitude.

I am immensely grateful for every single one of you, and this site.  You have been life changing for me, and a huge ray of light in my dark hours.

The one thing I will resolve to do this year, is to make sure that my 'death papers' include a request that someone post a notification here.  Now, the sad fact is that I'll probably outlive most of you...which of course freaks me out a bit, what will I do without you?  But if ever there was a freak accident or whatever...you are the souls I'd want to know.  And I hope you'll do the same...I keep worrying about what will happen if no one knows to tell us and the posts just stop...anyway, so morbid for such a beautiful new day...sorry!

Probably gonna be a crazy 2017 as Trump settles into his new role...I can't believe that sentence is real...anyway, good luck to us all !!!

Love, Genny








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The New Year
Re: Re: Best wishes -- Genny Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
PatD ®

01/01/2017, 18:31:37
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The sense of renewal we celebrate is based on the observation that from this time onwards in the solar cycle, daylight increases again from its lowest point.

That's what makes its appeal universal, not the fact that Christian religious festivals have arranged themselves around it, nor the lack of the darling buds of May. Many years ago, when I began the lifetime process of cutting my mind free from the self imposed thickets of obscurantist bullshit, I found this book of great value. I recommend it to you.

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Discoverers 






Modified by PatD at Sun, Jan 01, 2017, 18:33:04

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Re: Best wishes
Re: Re: Best wishes -- Genny Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
lesley ®

01/02/2017, 03:28:02
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Hi Genny, nice to see you here.  

the solstice is just before Christmas - 21st, 22nd or 23rd.  Not sure why we have Dec 25 as the date really.  as I understand it the midwinter celebration predates Christianity.  The calendar we're on at the moment is called the Gregorian calendar and was I think invented by some monks.  They have to adjust the time every so often, not even a day is exactly a day - isn't that wonderful!

I have reached the conclusion that my heart reigns not my mind.  I can't pick the people I love, I can't love more or less, it just happens and that's that.

The people here were literally a sanctuary for me when I was exiting and ever since.  It was in my 40's and I had started waking up early and I'd get up at 3 or 4 in the morning and I just loved my time in that predawn hush, I started writing and i would always come here and it was like a window into my dungeon.

yeah I'm not much good with new year resolutions, I just like the turning of the year and after the 11 days between birthday and new year that I am cactus then it's back to normal but all clean and new feeling.

so here's to a happy new year, everyone, love Lesley














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Why not?
Re: Re: Best wishes -- lesley Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
aunt bea ®

01/02/2017, 05:40:25
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Hi Leslie, why can't you pick the people who you love and love as much as you choose? My experience is that it doesn't just happen. One makes decisions.

Anyway love and good spirits to you and everyone else here for the new year. 2016 was the worst year of my life so I'm glad to chase it away.

World Disco Championships 1979







Modified by aunt bea at Mon, Jan 02, 2017, 05:41:48

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Re: Why not?
Re: Why not? -- aunt bea Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
lakeshore ®

01/02/2017, 08:44:06
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Hi Aunt Bea,

Without posting, I echoed John's sentiments below that calamities should come in ones... if ever, and then I read your comment about 2016.  May things get better for you and your loved ones quickly!

Although Connie and I are healthy and well, I've had a bit of an unexpected bumpy road lately, which has kept me away from the forum for awhile.  Although we can all joke with each other about invisible friends, this forum has been one to me for the past few months, just knowing it's here and hopefully thriving.

Thanks for the best wishes from Praline and everyone else and the same from me to everyone here.  A truly happy new year to all!

Bob






Modified by lakeshore at Mon, Jan 02, 2017, 08:48:37

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Re: Why not?
Re: Re: Why not? -- lakeshore Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
praline ®

01/02/2017, 10:19:20
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Re: Why not?
Re: Why not? -- aunt bea Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
lesley ®

01/02/2017, 09:01:18
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it just happens.  you can make decisions as much as you like and people do but it doesn't change the heart.  You can choose to deny the love you feel you can choose not to act on it but you can't choose not to feel it.  

I am sorry that it's been such a crap year, auntie, I know what that feels like, I've had a few of those.  wishing you all the best.

I had a friend, dead now, he said it's not about winning and losing.  and now I find I'm saying it - it's not about success and failure.  it's about the love you make.








Modified by lesley at Mon, Jan 02, 2017, 09:05:50

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Thanks everyone...good riddance 2016
Re: Why not? -- aunt bea Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
Genny ®

01/02/2017, 16:09:26
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Thanks everyone, so much!

2016, was especially brutal for me too...seems so for many people I know.  Not without fleeting glimpses of beauty, but difficult...and I hope 2017...though just a number to me , is better to us all!

I just came across one of my stories that I thought I'd share...it's raw and unedited still like some of my others, but a good one...it helps me remember that I've certainly been through worse, and the timing is perfect...a different kind of Christmas story.  A couple warnings...

-It's long...read it when you get bored
-Nothing to do with the guru...but everything to do with the lingering damages from my father's suicide
-Hope the "C" word doesn't bother you...I way over used it, but for good reason
-Many casual references to pieces that would have been read already in the book, but I don't think they ruin anything...I'm always happy to answer any questions...one thing you definitely need though is this;

This is realized throughout several pieces, I can't just include all of them so I'll try to be quick .  In 'the story of Ellen' to follow, I say something about telling her everything and this is what I mean...

RE battle with ghosts of the past:  every year in October, the anniversary of the suicide, the way I'll be affected is completely unpredictable.  The full spectrum...beautifully at peace to complete loss of shit.  Some years I can cope privately, and some I need to clue others in...bosses and such...so they can maybe understand a little why I'm not myself...for just a minute...it will pass and please forgive me if you can...

RE my strange relationship with Father Time and the little memory that came out of hiding:  All this happened that year, 2008, as I was coping with the anniversary...and picking at old wounds to encourage new levels of healing.  

So...when I had the precognition of Dad's death in 1981, I was at school...a new school...I started Junior High in a new suburb and didn't have any of my elementary schoolmates, was in the process of making new friends and fitting in.  I thought I remembered everything about that day...the way the Teacher made me cry, the way I lied (so I thought) when the kids asked what was wrong.  The only thing I could think of to say that would match my severe emotional distress, was that my dad had just died.  It just blurted out.  I was under so much stress about how I was going to fix my lie...and ended up feeling relieved for the funeral that took care of it for me. 

Years later, as I was dissecting my psychic awakening...I came to realize that not only was I a 12 year old girl about to have her first period...a hormonal surge that can spark psychic ability...but I was also a very sheltered and loved little girl who knew nothing about humiliation.  I remembered that the teacher humiliated me in front of class, and that I didn't recognize the feeling, so that I didn't know how to tell the kids why I was so upset after class...I held it in all through class and it came pouring out right after, and then "the lie" happened.

So in 2008 when the anniversary was particularly brutal I found the need to re visit all the whys...yet again.  This would be the year that I would remember what the teacher said to spark it all.  This would be the year...27 years later...that I finally understood why I just couldn't be on time in October.  I was late to class that day...7th grade algebra...new girl trying so hard to make friends and be liked...about to take a dive into the depths of hell...couldn't have been more than a minute or two, and she berated the hell out of me...made an example out of me for all to see and follow.  And I finally understood my wildly inappropriate anxiety over being late, and why I would eventually need to create a life where being on time could rarely matter.

So as you'll see...I was incredibly forthcoming with Ellen...and it happened anyway.

Enjoy my friends...it's dark, but good

*******
Toast For Christmas Dinner

"It is impossible not to love someone who makes toast for you".
Nigel Slater

Now we all know that I'm no good Christian.  Many years I despise what Christmas has become as far as forced joy and commercialism go.  It's so far apart from what it was originally contrived to be, I sometimes have a hard time joining in.  I prefer to spread love and joy and heartfelt gifts all year long, and align with Winter Solstice for what it's true purpose is...inner journeys.  Death of winter, and the eventual re birth of spring.  We need to be dormant and quiet for a season, for a reason.  That being said, I'm not a total Humbug.  Christmas is for everyone especially little ones, and inner little ones.  I have the sweetest decorations I've ever seen, and love love love them in my good years.  I try very hard not to be selfish in my bad years and will participate for the joy of others, but really, I prefer to work.  Whether it was behind a bar, renting skis, or taking care of emergencies, I always had a job where Christmas was a busy working day.  Fine with me.

One year for Christmas, instead of forced joy, I got forced spiritual reconciliation.  Brutal.  I knew I wasn't quite on the right path, but I was getting there.  I was in the "Little by little..." phase of my Life Spiral, on the verge of threefold contentment, on the verge of the "ripping away".  I knew The Seven Sisters were itching to get to work, and thought I was creating the right circumstance to make that happen.  Again, thinking I could and should maintain both worlds, I'd need a job for bill paying, and time and energy to write.  My job in the ER was perfect, so I thought.  I really did love it...all of it.  The people, the hours, the positive societal contribution, all of it.  And the love was mutual.  They loved me, my efficiency, my high tolerance of weirdness, my handling of stress and chaos...all of it.  Perfect, except for one thing.  I was still on the wrong path and I didn't know just how wrong.  It would take a catastrophe to open my eyes...again.

I call it "The Great Christmas Takedown of 2008".  Allow me to introduce you to the players...the Catholic Hospital Cunts of St. Joe's ER...and the 75 plus Angel Souls that make up the rest of the Emergency Room Staff.  (Knowing me, you might assume that "catholic hospital cunts" is a sarcastic jab at religion...but nothing is farther from the truth...it's more like an oxymoron and a genuine stab at the women involved).

It's hard to say or even think anything bad about a nurse.  The men and women who take on that role are Saints.  Period.  Short of egregious crimes against human rights, you want to let them have any flaw they want...you accept it and tolerate it and excuse it every time because of WHAT THEY DO.  As a whole, it's an awe inspiring bunch.  But, in every bunch there's a few rotten ones, and I found them.  They weren't bad nurses, just rotten beings disguised as Saints...

Cunt #1:  Hazel.  A morbidly obese, very unattractive inside and out soul with a soothing tone, very soft spoken, with hints of kindness every so often.  Once upon a time she had a kind heart, but it jaded over the years and everyone saw it.  They warned me about her two faced ways, but I always tried to connect with her goodness.  I'm kind of drawn to physically ugly people, I find most of them to be quite interesting inside...she was just ugly.  Still nursed occasionally, mostly did administrative supervising.

Cunt #2:  Ellen.  A petite, very cute for her age woman, oh so sweet, and oh so kidding herself.  She hurt me the most cause I never saw it coming from her...very skilled at camouflaging her wolf with sheep's wool!  Done with actual nursing, in charge of ER staff.

Cunt #3:  Janice.  Disgusting inside and out.  Super Cunt.  Now, I of all people, know that not much can be done about body type, and I'm no prude, but I do believe in dressing appropriately for your body type, age, and job.  Suffice it to say, she needed better underwear.  She is a huge gut and gigantic tits on a tall scary stick.  (Please understand that I much rather prefer the term 'breast', but it implies beauty...nothing beautiful about cunt #3).  Way too much make up, way way way too much highly offensive perfume...especially considering that all scents are banned in the ER...she was our Department Boss...disgusting.  So hard to believe that she was a loving, caring nurse once upon a time...wonder where she went.  She was new, came from a sister hospital to replace a retiring beloved boss, and to clean things up!  Things that were already clean...as most new bosses do.  In all my jobs and mini lifetimes within this one, I never met a more widely despised person, I wanted to feel sorry for her, but she made that impossible by being who she was.

Cunt #4:  Nurse TLC.  She was new too.  She had worked there several years before me, recently came back to assume a new role in administration...I really don't know what the fuck she did, rarely came out of the office that was already under control...and then it was mainly to gossip.  I can't even remember her name, Very unlike me, so Two-faced Lying Cunt will do just fine.  The other TLC.  Her role on the day in question was totally benign, her cunt would have a starring role a few days later during one of her gossip rounds.

Cunt #5:  Genny.  I don't like to think of myself this way of course, but let's be honest...it takes one to know one.  The difference is...I'm worth it, I keep mine caged and under control, and mine only ever attacks me.  People may understand that I can be a bitch when provoked, but most have no idea about my cunt side...my cage is solid.

Angel Souls:  ALL the other nurses, doctors, medical techs, house cleaners, EMTs, cafeteria staff, my counter parts in the unit coordinator pool, registration...all of them kindly and lovingly had my back.  It did no good, but it felt good...really good.

Now, allow me to set the scene.  Lots of background information will be needed to make any sense out of a seemingly non sensical situation.  So, I'll start with the boring but oh so critical story of cunt #3.  She came to us like a bull in a china shop.  Our beautiful Catholic Hospital with a fine tuned ER never knew what hit it.  She came from a sister hospital, Lutheran, a few miles and a few values away.

 "Catholic Hospital"...it doesn't mean you have to be catholic to work there or be cared for there...it has very little to do with the actual Religion, and everything to do with their core value system.  Most of the people I worked with were not catholic...a wide variety of belief systems are represented there.  It's impressive and beautiful.  I had the pleasure of saving lives with Christians, Jews, Muslims, agnostics, Wiccan witches, Sheiks, Buddhists, and African Native religions...amazing, I learned a lot.  And I adored our Nuns...they live on the top floor of the hospital that they built, and the ones who couldn't sleep at night would come down to the ER and visit us all...such sweethearts!  One night, they brought pink carnations for those of us who were born there...so so sweet.  No, you didn't have to 'be catholic', you just had to commit to the Catholic Core Value, the one that umbrellas every other value in their mission statement...Always Do The Right Thing.  For the patients, the employees, the community.  Cunt #3 was way out of her league on this one.  Too bad so many beautiful pieces of fine china were destroyed in her wake.

The loudest way to announce your arrival and your power when you're a new boss, is to set about changing long existing departmental policies.  That was her mission whether it was in line with the hospital mission or not.  Now, this is where it gets boring and a little tedious, but my hope is that by understanding the basics of hospital policy, you'll see just how skilled I am at fucking myself over...its Coyote Medicine, the Trickster and master of Self Sabotage...and laughing at oneself.  It's very very very difficult to get fired from St. Joe's.  The whole time I was there the only people who got canned were beyond deserving, as in abusing patients and several 'no call, no shows'.  The shit people got away with amazed me, the rules are so easy to abide by, always do the right thing.  

The way to get fired, was to build up on a tiered system of "Occurrences", and the first thing she did was get in there and rearrange the tiers.  So, an occurrence is any blatant violation of hospital policy...kind of bad, like a no call, no show...or an accidental HIPPA violation...or mistreatment of co workers and so on.  Really really bad things result in a double occurrence, like a major HIPPA violation...mistreatment of patients, wrong meds or any kind of abuse...and so on.  Small offenses, like late punches, or calling in sick, or minor job mistakes, would count as a 'bit', and 5 bits would equal a whole occurrence.  Build up enough occurrences, and the process begins...first a verbal warning to get it together...if that doesn't work, then a first write up, where it becomes official and supervisor and employee agree on a beneficial course of action...if that doesn't work, then a final write up can happen, where any violation after that can result in canning.  

Occurrences were counted in three month increments...so each month, the third month back would 'roll over', and any dings you had then, would be erased.  Fairly simple, with the potential to become complicated by varying degrees of violation and administrative discretion.  Cunt #3 set to work cleaning thing up...she changed the 'whole occurrence' into 3 bits instead of 5, and increased the number of months in each roll over period...the ripple effect was bad.  It meant that she could technically fire just about the whole ER if she wanted to.  Even super cunt could tell that this was not the right to do, but she did it anyway.  She knew that she would have to do the right thing here somehow, level the playing field, she just did it in the wrong direction.  Instead of wiping the slate clean and giving everyone a fighting chance to get their records straight and just move forward under the new policies, she the put the entire department on verbal warning status, to be rolled over in six months instead of three...even the people with no bits or occurrences.  It worked out pretty good for the employees who were on the verge of unemployment already...horribly for many of us who were in the middle.  Before cunt #3 came along, administration was much more interested in catching people doing things right than doing things wrong.  They were really into praise, she was really into punishment.  

*******
Okay, that should do, now let me tell the story of Cunt #2, my immediate boss, Ellen.  
When the anniversary of my father's suicide came around that October, I aligned fully with Coyote Medicine and started fucking up...like you wouldn't believe.  For the most bizarre, random, are you fucking kidding me reasons, I was one minute late, one too many times.  Only this year, this year I finally saw with amazing clarity what I was doing and why.  This year, a little memory came out of hiding, and I finally, finally, after 27 years, knew why I just couldn't be on time.  So I went to Ellen, and explained everything...my battle with ghosts of the past, my strange relationship with Father Time, my Coyote ways... everything.  I signed a contract agreeing to enter employee counseling, accepted the technically warranted first write up, and promised to do my best.  Exact same scenario as exactly 20 years before...landed in therapy through my job, one minute late one too many times.  Only this time, instead of an innocent 19 year old, I was a seasoned 39 year old in the same fucking boat...but this time, I saw what I was doing, crystal clear...it was unbelievable.

Charlie Ryan saved my Soul.  I only got to see him for a few weeks, maybe four or five times, but more work was done in that short time than in any other therapy sessions I ever had in years past.  He was the first person to ever broaden my view enough to see that I was doing everything right, and that I absolutely had to stop being so hard on myself.  He's the only person to ever tell me, so that I could hear, that we all have the right to "Self Care with a Vengeance"...beautiful.  I owe him a huge debt of gratitude, and I will never forget him.  Even after I was fired, he wrote to me, saying that if I fell too hard, he was there for me even though he was a Joe's employee and I wasn't.  I did fall apart, and I never got to thank him properly.  I send him big soul hugs all the time.

Earlier that year, right before my battle with Vishuddah, for the first time in my life I was a 'no call, no show'...awful!  You may recall, any tiny mistake in my fucked up world is devastating...real mistakes are devastating squared.  I can barely remember what happened, but I think it was just a stupid scheduling snafu in my head...I had it in there that I was off that day.  And I'm fairly certain now that I have Mercury Rx to blame...I knew about him then, but not well enough to prepare in advance, just well enough to look back and say 'no wonder'.  Anyway, because of my good standing with all the supervisors, we got through it and everything was fine, but I did rack up a whole occurrence.  Because of the recent policy changes, Ellen had to come chat with me...make sure I stayed on track.  Since the whole department was now on verbal notice, and my roll over date wasn't until February, this mistake was costly.  This was the thing I was anxious to 'roll over', once this was gone I'd be totally in the clear, even with the few bits I had, even with the tier changes, and I'd be safe to rack up a few more if I had to.  But until then, I had to be careful.  I was making real progress until Coyote came to play in the snow one day.

My car broke so I had to walk to work...no big deal, I did it all the time when I did day shifts and it was nice out.  This just happened to coincide with our first big snow of the season and I blew it.  I wore the way wrong shoes, and didn't account for the extra time it takes to navigate a little snow.  Big, as in bigger than any so far that year...little, as in nothing compared to what we're used to by then.  On my way, I wiped out...down hard like an old lady...shit!...took a few moments to do a damage check and get up and moving again.  I hauled ass as carefully as I could, my huge bag and gigantic sour puss attitude in tow...and just started laughing.  It was ridiculous...utterly insane.  And by the way, this entire situation was insane...just as crazy and fucked up as it sounds.  The whole time I worked there up until then, everything was fine in 'time world'.  I didn't have a reputation for being late, I was mostly on time, and whenever life happened and I would be 5 or 10 minutes late, I'd call...it was never an issue...up until then.  Anyway, I found myself in desperate need of an attitude adjustment...so I did my best to turn it around and just prayed for a little miracle.  Ok Gen, gratitude is the key...what can you be grateful for?...thanks for not breaking your back just now...thanks for working legs to carry me to work...thanks for a job to walk to...thanks for Charlie and all the kind souls helping me on this crazy battlefield where I fight ghosts...and if you could please, a little help on time...maybe 30 seconds or so...I'm almost there!

I made it inside and to the time clock exactly on time, I couldn't believe it!   Got my badge, swiped it through, and just as it was processing, the fucking minute moved forward...and I was officially one minute late, by one second...one too many times, I absolutely could believe it.  I got to my desk and called Ellen.  Though she was kind and understanding, she still put me in final write up status, and I'd have to be perfect until February...no late punches...not one..."please Genny, it would kill me to have to let you go...what can I do?  I'll call you every shift...can you do it?"  "Yes Ellen, I can do it.  You don't need to call me, you're so sweet...I'm a grown woman, I'm seeing Charlie, I live two minutes away...this is ridiculous anyway, I will be on time...I promise not to fall on my way again...and I will be the first to tell you if I fuck up".  And I did it.  I stayed with Charlie, I was early for every shift...'allow pleasure and contentment to fill the soul...' Reap the rewards of a long standing battle won...did I finally conquer Trickster Coyote and Father Time?

*******
Ok, so now I think it's a good place to set the stage.  Just before Christmas, my beloved Catholic Hospital Emergency Room.  Every other hospital in the city has a policy in place that would allow for them to turn certain patients away.  Our policy was the exact opposite...always do the right thing meant no person was ever turned away from the ER for any reason.  We got all the city's rejects.  We were never not busy, especially on holidays.  They were always interesting and I was actually looking forward to spending Christmas Eve and day with my work family.  I'll never forget my first one there...an ambulance brought in a very intoxicated woman, and her complaint was "I got ran over by a reindeer and the paramedics won't share their weed!"  So much joy amongst so much pain.  That was also the year that a bunch of kids got some bad drugs at a New Years Eve concert.  One of them was a big kid, like 6'5" and full of muscles...we had to soft restrain him (arms and legs tied to the bed with soft cloth...as opposed to hardcore leather and locking restraint...as opposed to chemical restraint), he was so out of his mind and control...'sleep it off'...around 4am, the ER was calm, all patients were cared for and resting...staff was recuperating, preparing for the next wave...and then, all you heard bellowing throughout the entire department from big boy's room was, "MY FACE!!!  WHERE'S MY FUCKING FAAAAAACE?!?!?!!!!?"  I'm sure he woke up the Nuns, or we did with our totally inappropriate laughter!  

Anyway, this year was going to be a good one.  I was taking real steps to improve my life,  I decorated my little house for my Shepard and Yin Yang Meow Meows and drop by friends.  My mom and most of my friends outside of the ER were all celebrating the Holiday out of town, and I would celebrate at work.  I had gifts for all my people, plans to bake and make snacks, and a heartfelt readiness to care for the patients who found themselves in trouble for the holiday.  Michael, my sweet sweet mentally challenged cafeteria worker friend, gave me a flashing Santa Clause necklace to wear, and I was so looking forward to wearing it proudly and hugging him that Christmas Eve shift.  Yeah, "little by little, stuff was added..."  

Enter:  Cunt #1.  She called my house two days before my shift, my two days off.  I had just done a 12 hour night that day, and was asleep when the phone rang at 10am.  Safe to assume she'd be leaving a message, as our shifts ended at 7am, night staffers were in bed by then.  Back then, I still had a land line and answering machine as well as my cell, so even though I was in bed, I could still listen to the voice on the machine and see if I needed to get the phone.  I hear, "Genny, it's Hazel from Joe's...give me a call when you get this message, thank you"...so I lay there thinking, ok, I'll call when I get up, and I start to turn my brain back off.  But there's still noise...what is that?...it's the machine still...what??...oh my god, what!?...am I hearing this right?  I jumped out of bed, ran to the machine, and just died.  Instead of hanging up, cunt #1 put the office phone on speaker, and my machine kept recording for the next four minutes.  

Enter: Cunts #2, #3, and #4.  They were all in the office that day, chatting up a storm with True Colors flying all about.  The four minute conversation is appalling, heartbreaking, unprofessional times a million, somewhat shocking, and speaks volumes about who these women really are.  I didn't exploit them by giving the tape to the press (bad firings were a hot topic then, the beginning of the unemployment disaster and recession) or punish them by giving a copy to the Nuns...thought about it.  I did play it for anyone who wanted to hear it though, and everyone agreed on the disgusting nature of the recording. 

It was...TLC in the background answering phones, chatting.  Cunts #1, 2, and 3 were going back and forth between late Christmas shopping...and how to go about firing me...not one word about firing me for Christmas.  I couldn't believe it...what had I done?  Nothing.  I hadn't been late, I had just gotten a stellar review and decent raise...what happened?  And how can they be so mean?  I called another employee to see if she'd heard anything...like if I made a big job error that I didn't know about somehow...no.  I didn't know what to do...it was pretty clear by the recording that it was already a done deal, but I also had the need to find out what happened and fight for my job.  Cunt #1 was new in the office, and on the message, she asks Cunt #3 what to say when I called back..."do I just fire her over the phone?...what if she doesn't call back and just shows up for work on Wednesday?"...Cunt #2 chimes in..."yeah, she's gonna know, I mean...she's gonna know..."

I decided to take the day, think about how I wanted to handle this, build up some courage and let them sweat it out for a bit.  I called her back the next morning, cunt #2 answered.  Ellen, it's Genny, what's going on?

"Oh Genny, hi...well, we talked about this happening...you knew that if you were late again I might have to let you go...I'm afraid that's where we are now...we're going to have to end our relationship".
"I know we talked about this Ellen, and I've done everything we agreed to...I haven't been late once...I really don't understand this".
I can hear shuffling and cunt 3 in the background...looking for my late punch in their paperwork...
"Ok, here it is...you were late on this date..."
"I absolutely was not late, and I know this cause I would have come to you right away in a state of panic".
"And there would have been nothing I could have done for you..."
"You're missing the point Ellen, I've been watching my punches like a hawk, no way would I just be late and wait for you to come to me...I would have come to you not to fix it, to comply with my honest self".
Shuffle shuffle shuffle...cunt 3 looking looking looking for my egregious violation...
"Oh...ok, so...you weren't late that day...but, you missed a punch in for a meeting...?..."
Her tone of voice went from stern to mousey in a heartbeat...she couldn't believe it either...cunt #3 was on a mission, and she got caught in the middle...still could've saved me though...anyway...
I find my calendar..."Oh, you mean our unit coordinator meeting...the one I cared so much about that even though I was in the middle of a 12 hour shift, had someone take my station for an hour so I could go...that meeting?  The one that two of your piece of shit no call, no show unit coordinators couldn't be bothered to go to...that meeting Ellen?"
She got even mousier..."Yes.  You are supposed to punch out of work, punch into the meeting, punch out of the meeting and back into work in that situation.  Even though it changes nothing on your paycheck, it helps us keep track..." I could hear cunt #3 telling how to explain this to me...
"Are you serious?  I mean really Ellen, is this for real?  I'm getting fired for going to a meeting that wasn't mandatory...are you fucking kidding me?"

Cunt #2 and I went round and round...she couldn't make sense of it either, but had no choice but to stick to her guns, Cunt #3 was in her ear the whole time.  It was quite clear that this battle was futile, so I surrendered.  Waste no more energy on this Gen, you're gonna need every ounce to recover.  So I told her...fine Ellen...I get it...I'm done and I'll let you go, but I do have one more thing to share with you.  I evoked the tone and scolding power of The Great Mother and said...

"You all need to be Much More careful about how you handle your affairs in that office.  When Hazel called me and left her message for me to call back, her grave incompetence kicked in.  Instead of hanging up the phone, she put it on speaker...and my answering machine recorded every wretched word that came out of your mouths for four fucking minutes".  I could feel her heart drop, I didn't give a shit.  It had a long way to go before it met mine.
"Oh no, I'm so sorry Genny, obviously we didn't mean..."
"Oh, I know you didn't mean for it to happen but it did.  If I were you, there's no way I would have wanted me to hear that conversation, Ellen...it was disgusting and immensely  hurtful.  You should all be ashamed".
"Oh..."
"I've heard just about enough from your mouth...I'm pretty sure my witch friend will curse you all, so Merry Fucking Christmas Ellen"...and I just hung up...I was already crying and couldn't hold back anymore.   

I cried for a while, but somehow really understood, just by looking at the insane way it all went down, that it was truly a blessing disguised as a catastrophe.  I thought about fighting harder, maybe this was a lesson in standing up for myself...but landed on acceptance, it was Life moving me in a better direction...very loudly.

And then, it was Christmas.  Bah fucking humbug and boo hoo hoo.  I put on my Michael flashing Santa Clause necklace over my jammies, loved on my babies as best as I could, and then, because I had to have something, I made toast for Christmas dinner.  Pretty sure that's not what Jesus had in mind for his big birthday bash.

Enter:  75 plus Angel Souls.  They ALL gathered round me, one by one, to give me love and express their sorrow.  My girls didn't fail me for a single second...they were pissed and weren't afraid to let it show...I heard the next few days in the ER were rampant with disgruntled angels.  The Catholic Hospital Cunts managed to ruin the holidays for everyone.  Especially my Chris.  My friend, my sweet sweet Kiwi Chris, whose posh New Zealand accent had a beautiful way of sugar coating her bad ass ways...I fucking love you girl...and not just for what you did...I always loved you my soul sister, this was just pure Kiwi icing on the stale, cunty cake!  She fought my final battle for me...

Enter: Cunt #4, TLC.  Time for rounds...gossip rounds.  Things were still solemn in the ER a few days later, and I was still the hot topic of conversation.  People were really upset about everything, especially the recording.  And I guess, management decided on a 'deny everything' course of action to smooth things over.  This was her rounds mission on this day.  Deny, deny, deny.  Lie, lie, lie. 

This may have worked for them, it could possibly have been good strategy, if it wasn't so elementary, one dimensional and extremely shortsighted.  What cunts 3 and 4 didn't realize yet, and cunts 1 and 2 sure as hell did, was that in my very central position, I had forged deep and close personal relationships with probably 90% or more or their staff.  No way would a lie this obvious work for them...stupid cunts.

As TLC approached the bed zone where everyone was working, well, the recording was being talked about.  Chris was in a room with one of her patients, and heard every word.  She stopped what she was doing, about to push a syringe full of medicine, and came flying out of the patient room, needle in hand, and set about ripping her a new one...most cunts need more than just the one asshole, and my sweet Kiwi Chris was happy to make one for her.

This is one of those stories you get to hear from several viewpoints...at least four people told it to me, and I was pleasantly surprised by their consistency.  You kind of expect a wide variety of details when the same story is told by several different people, but these guys did a great job of telling the same story.  There are varying degrees of emotional outbursts at the end, but I feel confident in telling you this:

Chris:  I beg your pardon?  No, no, really...what the fuck did you just say?

By now, the entire zone's interest is peaked...they all see the steam oozing from her pores...standing there larger than life with her gloved hands and exposed needle flying about...

TLC:  I was just explaining that I was in the office that whole day and that that message thing never happened...Genny made the whole thing up you guys...we think she was just ang...

Chris:  Like hell she did you lying bitch!  I heard every horrible word and held her as she sobbed!  Your shrill voice is in the background talking on a personal call for most of it so how the fuck would you know anything?  You sure chimed in for the second half though..."wouldn't want to be one of THOSE people"!  (Referring to late Christmas shoppers, not the kind of cunt it takes to fire a beloved employee on Christmas).  

TLC:  Um, well, I was just trying...

Chris:  Oh we all know what you were tying to do.  ...and then, she laid out the entire conversation for everyone to hear the message that broke our hearts...

You guys want to know what these bitches were saying?  They were all oh so terribly worried about all the good Christmas stuff being sold out already, and how stressful late shopping is, and how you don't want to be one of those people...and oh...how should we fire Genny...you cunts didn't give a shit about being that kind of person...they didn't know if she would call, or just come to work...what should we do?...what time are you heading to the mall?...can I catch a ride?...what if she just shows up?...she's gonna know...it was disgusting!  You guys want to know what they were gonna do to her?

I was told you could hear a pin drop in that moment...poor Chris, she was so upset...but she had everyone's full attention.

They had it all planned out.  If she called, they were going to fire her over the fucking phone!  If she didn't, they were going to let her punch in, on Christmas Eve, work for two hours, and then pull her off the floor and fire her right then!  Oh my god, what is WRONG with you?  You better go talk to Jesus you two faced lying bitch!  Slither on back to your desk now and let us take care of our patients.  And you should probably never speak to me again.

And she stared her down, dripping syringe still in hand ready to push (she had to get a new one cause by then it was no longer full...or sterile), until Cunt #4 walked away in Shame.  I heard it was quite the scene...oh to be a fly on the wall for that one!  Always do the right thing...thanks Kiwi.  I heard...there was a moment of stunned silence, followed by varying degrees of applause...such a dramatic scene is nothing to these fine people in the ER, I'm sure they all went back to the patients at hand.

This is how Chris told it...

"Oh my god pretty girl, I don't know what happened, I fucking lost my mind!  I was just about to push some meds and I heard TLC saying something about you lying about the message and I just lost it...I didn't even say anything to my guy, I just flew out of his room and set the record straight.  That lying bitch was trying to tell us that you made up the story about the message...that it never happened...I said like hell it didn't or something like that and told everyone that I heard the whole fucking thing and it broke my fucking heart.  Two faced fucking lying cunt!   Guess it took a while...I had to dump my drugs and order a whole new vile...ugh she made me so mad!  I think I told her she better not ever talk to me again...My poor patient!  I started to say how sorry I was and he was just cracking up...said it was the best thing that ever happened to him...oh my god that ER!"

It sounded beautiful coming out of her beautiful mouth shrouded in her beautiful posh New Zealand accent...makes me laugh every time.  Again, THANK YOU my sweet beautiful Scorpio soul sister Kiwi Chris...for giving TLC her nickname, but for mine most of all.  It brings tears of overflowing love to my eyes every time I remember you calling me 'pretty girl'...it's just the sweetest thing.  We've lost touch, a little sad but not too much...I know you feel me sending you love drops all the time, cause I feel you sending them right back...until we meet again my love, you are a super hero.

I am no...pretty girl.  She was referring to my Soul.  A lifetime of damages shows.  End scene.

That year, we all had a reason or several to say, "Fuck 2008!  Bring on '09!"  We partied hard...rang in the new year with gusto.  No one was left out, not even the ones who were working.  Some are probably still there and it would be easy to figure out who was working that New Years Eve, and I'd probably have to publicly apologize to the Nuns, so I'll have to censor my story...they had a great night, helped us have an even greater night, they were all on our side, and every single one of them did the right thing.








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oh well I read it
Re: Thanks everyone...good riddance 2016 -- Genny Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
lesley ®

01/02/2017, 21:40:45
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and all I can say is it confirms what I've seen in hospitals - there's always an evil uber bitch on every ward.

I remember one ward, my mum was unconscious attached to a drip and a catheter and there, I don't know what she did, I just know my mum was scared of this one woman when she came in the room.  (the sister in charge of course)

There was another nurse who came in at the same time and she positioned herself between them and my mum relaxed.  

Afterwards the nurse introduced me to another nurse and she said not to worry that the two of them were protecting my mum and covered all the sister's shifts.

as you say - 75 unsung angels.  but the evil bitch wields the power and does so much harm.








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Thx lesley!
Re: oh well I read it -- lesley Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
Genny ®

01/03/2017, 14:35:25
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I knew you'd like it, I thought of you in my decision to post it

Here's to the unsung heroes who clean up the mess made by those in power!






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Re: Thx lesley!
Re: Thx lesley! -- Genny Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
lesley ®

01/03/2017, 20:45:35
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yes indeed.  why it should be so hard I do not know.  I bet those two nurses could have done without the extra work of protecting the helpless patients and why wasn't the sister sacked instead?

no I expect she got a pay raise.  it's an odd world.  

all so upside down.  I bet you were missed a lot by colleagues and patients alike.









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Re: Thx lesley!
Re: Thx lesley! -- Genny Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
auggie55 ®

01/06/2017, 17:12:36
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I enjoyed it too Genny, wish you'd post some more! I'm glad you're on here.






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Re: Thx auggie! More writing...
Re: Re: Thx lesley! -- auggie55 Top of thread Post Reply Forum
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Genny ®

01/07/2017, 12:22:15
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Aw...thanks so much...I sometimes feel like my stuff is too much or annoying, so really...thank you .  I wrote this just before I connected here with you all...enjoy.  Love, G

The Drive Home

"I always loved a good Storm"
Tori Amos

One last glance around my Aunt Mike's desert paradise...did we get everything?  Did I kiss all the dogs good bye?  Oh god, 12 hours...it's a long long time to be in a car...with my mother and a tiny dog who needs doggy downers for the road.  "Ok guys...I love you, thanks so much for coming, drive super safe, and if you hear a flash flood warning...it's NO JOKE...been a crazy year weather wise".  It was true, the big story there was the very recent flash flood in Zion National Park that killed several climbers...so sad.  Long drive...I'm so lucky that it's amazingly beautiful in southern Utah and Colorado back to Denver...so grateful for a comfy ride and an awesome travel companion who doesn't make me talk too much...and the freedom to let my mind wander and just be...in the moment...lovely..."love you too, thanks for everything...bye Mike...and Kiki and Hardy and Oscar and lil Tandy".

So much in my head this trip...so much processing and compartmentalizing to get done, 12 hours may not be enough...it's a good start though...you're free to wander Gen, you have a lot...as soon as you get home, the week begins...you know, the week...the inevitable week of...who the fuck knows what...the week... Do I honor the day of the premonition, the day of his suicide, the day they told me, the day of the funeral...which day do I use as the anniversary?...everyone deserves a day right?...fuck it, I take the week.  I get to be a total fucking mess this week...for no reason...other than the past.  The distant past.  Thirty four years is long enough...I don't have a clue how to finish that...it's a long time...it was yesterday.  Maybe I'll be just fine this year...maybe...it's possible, right?

We haven't even gotten gas yet and I've planned out my first mind trip...gonna be a long one.  And then there's the guru...fucker...been all consuming lately, what am I gonna do with all this rage?  I mean, I've always hated the guy...of course I would...but I don't recall ever having so much active anger before...he always just kind of sat on the back shelf with passive, righteous anger...what changed?  Everything...been a crazy year, weather wise, and every wise for me...the writing, the intense psychic stuff, re connecting to my dad's old friends...Sherry and the Zen Garden...everything changed.

This trip was full of little psychic knowings...little ones, but real and so many, like knowing  exactly when and where to look for wildlife...a lot more than usual...knowing exactly where to spot climbers on distant rocks...knowing exactly where to put my eyes...to see the vertical crashed car down in the rocks off the cliff edge...rest in peace everyone, no way anyone walked away from that.  There was plenty of beating myself up for not listening as usual...when I said to myself, 'don't bother, don't look', and had to look anyway...the most stomach turning tattoo ever..."WHITE PRIDE" on the legs of a white trash teenage girl...you just can't get away from stupid, even in a desert paradise...it's really hard to find compassion for her...didn't need to see that.  And then there was the little red SUV...

As we cruised along the highway surrounded by pretty red mountains, I was lost in thought and admiring the landscape on my right...so beautiful.  Not like the stunning Rocky Mountain autumn full of magical greens and reds and yellows and oranges and browns...but Utah beautiful, stunning rich reds and various patterns in the awesome rock formations..."Symphonies of the Waters".  Suddenly, my gaze shifted to the left, the other side of the highway, and landed on a small red SUV going the opposite way.  It was in my sight for just a moment...long enough for me to 'hear', "They're going to be in an accident".  

"Doing okay, honey"?

...what...shake it off...why would you think that?...you haven't thought that about anyone else...oh, it wasn't me...was it?...what was I just doing (looking for a linear thought pattern that may have led to it)...oh yeah, I was thinking about my lovely conversation with my editor a few days ago...thinking about the book and when I'd have time to look at my progress...the landscape, beautiful...nope, it wasn't me, it was You.  You pulled me out of it, my lovely mind trip, to show me that...fuck you.  Why do You keep showing me shit that I'm completely powerless to change?  Shit that I'll never have confirmed?  It's not like I could convince my mom to turn around and catch them...there's not even anywhere to do that...and can you imagine?...some crazy woman flagging you down to warn you of a wreck that may happen?...what would that look like?...we'd probably cause a few accidents just trying to pull it off!...what could you possibly say to convince them to be more careful driving, instead of calling the looney bin?...why did You show me that?...I'll never have validation of its real ness...I can't imagine how I'll ever know...unless it's so horrific that it makes national news...why, why, why do You keep showing me things that I can't change?...same as dad's death...the exact same thing...helpless...why?...

"Just fine Mom, you"?
"Doin good".
"Beautiful sky, huh"?
"Gorgeous".

The clouds really were cool...it was clear that they were gathering...planning their next party...'should we keep it mellow, just a few of us...or should we throw a rager'?  I think they invited everyone they knew...including Iris and Zeus and The Hyades.  The most impressive psychic connection I made on this trip was the one I had with Mother Nature, the storm was a perfect reflection of the one brewing in my heart.  Massive, furious, electrifying...once in a lifetime, according to the locals.  Neither my mom nor I had ever seen anything like it.  The thunderstorms in Colorado are really awesome, I've seen some amazingly beautiful and crazy lightening here as well as many a bright rainbow, but nothing compared to this storm in Utah.  Once in a lifetime.  

The first half we experienced during the daytime, where Iris was the first guest of the clouds to arrive.  She threw so many rainbows I almost couldn't believe it.  And it hadn't even rained yet...it was all sky magic...all around us.  She made a stunning entrance with her first one, it was massive...width wise, like the size of five normal ones together, and it lasted for so long.  It was only about a quarter of the arch, but we could see where it ended on the land, and it kept casting a sister rainbow that would disappear if you looked too hard for her.  Gorgeous...we were sad to see her go...but Iris had plenty more party favors to share.  After the big one she kept busy the entire day until the sun went down...one after another, all normal width, but all whole arches...we lost count.  It was so cool of her to bring her gifts of beauty before the rage of the Rain Nymphs, instead of after.  All I could do was stay in the moment and be awed by her beauty.  I forgot all about my dad and the guru for a bit, it was nice.  

As soon as the sun went down the tone of the party changed, drastically.  Like going from a kids birthday party with colorful balloons and sweets and smiles, to a heavy metal rager that starts out great but ends up with bodies on the floor.  Zeus arrived on a mission.  Eradicate uninvited guests.  As my thoughts returned to the guru and my rage, he went to work right away casting them out...again, all I could do was stay in the moment and stay in awe.  He threw lightning strikes of all kinds, all around us, for almost two hours.  They were captivating.  I needed them to be, the guru is so all consuming, it would take the acts of the Gods to remove him.  The strikes were wider, longer lasting, and brighter than any lightning I'd ever seen in Colorado.  "Whoa...oh my god...wow...whoa!!"...all you heard in our car, we were cracking up at ourselves, but never loosing sight of the ferociousness of what was surrounding us.  And then, my 65 year old mother reaches in her CD compartment, and puts in Pink Floyd's "The Wall"...how cool is she?...and we cruised to the boarder to the best Laser Floyd show on the planet..."Shine on you crazy diamond"!  Still no rain though...hmmm, wonder where the sisters are...fashionably late I suppose.

Cool became scary, fast.  The Hyades arrived...all of them...at the same time.  I guess the entire day was our warning, but I figured they'd trickle in and build up to their full strength.  Nope.  They were in alignment with my heart I think and Zeus could only hold it off for so long.  All nine of them showed up simultaneously in full hysterics already...I've never seen so many sky tears.  The only thing that saved us was our location.  When the skies opened up we just happened to be in Green River, and we just happened to know that this was the last town with a hotel that allows dogs until you get to Colorado.  We had to pull over into this town, no way could we keep going.  The triple whammy of massive rain, super darkness, and not knowing exactly where you are, made the three mile drive to the hotel the most treacherous three miles of our lives.  It was all a giant guessing game...am I on the road?...is that a light?...am I going straight?...crazy bad!  We made it though...and as I sat in the car with the pooch while mom went in the lobby, Zeus came back for another show...and he brought all of his weapons and a few more Hyades as if that was possible.  The biggest, loudest, freakiest thunder clap and blinding lightning came and knocked the power out of the entire town.  The sky flood was crazy loud and we just sat there in total blackness and uncertainty...and then I remembered the guru...yeah, that's a storm I really need to pay attention to, the one in my heart...way scarier than this one.  The power kicked back on, we settled into our room, my mom and the little pooch fell asleep.  I listened to the Gods play with rage all night long.  Could I learn to play with it too?  Once in a lifetime.

It made for an amazingly beautiful morning.  Calm, serene, clean, and everyone had a great story to talk about, the Thunderstorm of the century in this tiny little truck stop town.  We thanked everyone for the safe place to rest and headed home.  Home, closer and closer to my issues, closer to my week, closer to my dad's grave...I really should go visit it this year...been a while, like 10 years...he's been such a big part of my life this year with all the story telling and past researching...ok then, it's a date...I hope I can still find him...I have my trees. A good way to 'celebrate' the anniversary of his death this year.  It's such a weird thing, I don't want to celebrate..honor..remember..the brutality of the suicide, but it simply can't be removed from his death, how do you honor the dead without honoring how they got dead?*  But I should be ok with...once again, I don't know how to finish that...I should be ok...thirty four years is a long time...it was yesterday.  

*compassion is the answer to that question...for me.

We got home, home to my week, and it kicked my ass.  I was a total mess again this year, even with all the cathartic story telling and all the years of layer peeling and healing, and all the conscious awareness of bigger things.  A total fucking mess.  Am I ever going to be anything but?  It's like PMS on steroids, the emotional flux of my week.  Man what a bumpy ride!  But really, if I think about it, it makes sense that this would be a particularly strange anniversary for me...a lot of new light light has been shed upon reconnecting to my past this year.  Important, newly learned details have forced me to rethink some things completely...and in writing, recalling the suicide and the cult, and the Marine Corp records with more depth than ever before...it's just all so much louder this year, best way I can think of to say it.  I'm okay with my total fucking mess, it falls under the umbrella of Beautiful Sorrow...would anything else make sense?

All that being said, I felt pretty good about my decision to visit his grave, sit with him for a bit, talk to him.  A little weird, knowing that none of that is really true...I don't believe he's actually resting there...or that I have to be in Fort Collins, Colorado's oldest cemetery in order to be heard/felt.  But having something actionable, or ritual, physical...I was looking forward to it, contemplating creating an annual thing for myself...more than once a decade at least.  And as I did that, contemplated on how to do this more regularly, why I didn't in the first place...it's only 90 minutes away from my house, it's almost always a beautiful day, October 23rd in the Rocky Mountains...I wondered, was it because I didn't really believe he is there, or was it just too hard for me to go?  With one thought of that cemetery, I'm 12 years old again.  And I realize, I owe my 12 year old self a debt of gratitude.

Shattered as she was, she had the presence of mind to know just how shattered she was.  She knew, that it could (and would) be a very long time before she could get back there...to the oldest cemetery in Fort Collins, Colorado...that's the way to remember Genny...don't forget...all you have to know is it's the oldest one, that can't change...don't forget.  She knew that this day would be black in her memory, and she tried so hard to pay attention to the way...the way to the grave...another stroke of 'luck', he would be buried by my great grandparents, towards the edge of the grounds...ok, good...don't forget, don't forget...oldest cemetery, at the edge...ok...you're a kid, utterly broken, but you can remember that...oldest...at the end.  It was still a lot of ground, but she realized that even if that's all she could remember, it would be enough...and I distinctly remember envisioning my older self walking around the headstones, looking for him...and gave myself permission to go black again.   And then, when the burial was over and we headed back to the car...I was given the most lovely gift of all.  As I stood there looking to the street, I saw them...and I just stood there, amazed by my luck...for the rest of my life, all I had to do, was find my trees...they would guide the way.  They had just planted two identical baby ***** trees, twins, a few feet apart, and I was standing exactly in the middle of them.  I memorized their beauty...they were red for fall, the exact same size, planted the same year as my dad, on either side of him...wonder how big they'll get...thank you...don't forget, Genny, don't forget...oldest cemetery...by the end...look for the twins...don't forget....

Thank you, little Genny...you did a great job, I did remember, and I do use the trees and they take me right to him, every time.  And they're huge now...just gorgeous.  I almost couldn't believe how big they'd gotten when I pulled up to them this year...34 years is a long time...I half expected to still see the baby tree ties and fresh mounds of root, it was yesterday.

It was another beautiful day, lots of sun making all the autumn colors a little brighter, snow capped Mountains in the distance, warm and chilly...perfect for grave visiting.  I did all the things we do, got flowers, sat...talked a little, but mostly silent, felt, breathed.  I worried for a minute about my lack of emotion...I really felt mostly fine, neutral even...though a lot of it already came out, in a great surge, when I came across my Great Grandma Grace's grave first.  "Oh my god...you!...hi gramma...how could I forget that you are here too?...hi, I love you, and remember you well".  I fell to my knees, sobbing, how could I forget that she was here too?  I cleared all the fallen leaves form the headstone, and found another nice little surprise.  Her's is a double headstone, with her husband, Guy.  I didn't remember this either, but my great granddad, Guy, died three months before I was born.  One goes, one comes.  Amazing peace and grace fell upon me...I'm ready for anything now, let's go find dad.

It wasn't lack of emotion, I needn't ever worry about that I guess.  It was just an odd and rare sense of contentment.  As I sat there with my dad and the fresh cut wild flowers and the sun and the mountains and my tears and all the other headstones...so many...most old, a few brand new...I was completely content.  Content to be broken, content to know healing, content to acknowledge hate, and content to find forgiveness again as it gets lost sometimes.  It wasn't until I had the thought to maybe head home soon, that I panicked.  I'm pretty sure I had a minor panic/anxiety attack.  I don't wanna go...can't I just sit here for a few more lifetimes?  I think I turned 12 again, though she's more together than I am it seems...I couldn't bare the thought of getting up and walking away...again...I felt it deep in my chest and just fell down and sobbed forever.  Well not forever, but I found it hard to believe I still had that much in me.  Something took over in me...The Great Mother...She picked me up, put my stuff in my arms and gently nudged me back into my car...where I grew up, and then, succumbed...to the long drive home.  Bye Daddy.

*******
What's Not To Love About A Rose?

"Hello, how are you today?  Looking for anything in particular"?

"Hi.  Um, Roses maybe"?

"Yes, of course.  I just got these beauties in this morning...lovely aren't they"?

"Yeah, what's not to love about a rose"?

"I know, right?  I had the weirdest thing happen today!  This woman came in, and she was looking at my wild flower bouquets, and I asked her if she needed help.  She said she needed flowers for a special grave and liked these...I said 'oh...what about these amazing roses I just got in', and you'd think I offered to chop off her head!  I mean, she was totally nice about it...you could tell she tried to contain it and just move on real quick without having to explain, but I could tell it was weird for her.  She just said, 'Oh no, no roses please...I like the wild ones'.  She was so sweet and grateful for my help, but as she left I just thought, hmmm, what's not to love about a rose"?

"Huh...well I like them...crazy though...what's not to love".

...is I'm sure what happened later that day.  I'll agree on the weirdness of it...I go to this flower shop all the time.  They're always nice, but never before had they asked me if I needed help or offered to show me a specific flower...ever.  I always just go in, look at the arranged bouquets, almost always find one I like and get it myself...or...if not, I'll take a minute and make my own bouquet with the bulk flowers.  This was the only time in years, that someone offered me roses...for my dad's grave...unbelievable.  







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Re: Thx auggie! More writing...
Re: Re: Thx auggie! More writing... -- Genny Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
auggie55 ®

01/08/2017, 00:00:51
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Wow, that was cool too. It brought back some memories, having myself lived in Utah twice, and fairly recently Denver. I miss stuff like Red rocks, The bluebird, Fillmore, Ogden, Sanchos and Cervantes. I moved there to drive a taxi for Metro (dial all 3's)? It turned out bad, the company screwed me out of $1200, bucks, but it was time to come back to Canada. 






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Re: Thx auggie! More writing...
Re: Re: Thx auggie! More writing... -- auggie55 Top of thread Post Reply Forum
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Genny ®

01/08/2017, 15:00:41
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Wow auggie...you just named a bunch of my favorite places!  I miss Denver a lot...many great memories.  Sorry the taxi thing sucked so bad for ya!  I always called the 3's, always had a cool driver .  That whole stretch of Colfax is almost unrecognizable now...the places you mention are still thriving, but surrounded by all new stuff.
Some of the best nights of my life were at Sancho's...had the pleasure of seeing Michael Frante at The Filmore...and P. J. Harvey at The Bluebird...to name just a few...good times, thanks for leading me to remember. 






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Re: Thx auggie! More writing...
Re: Re: Thx auggie! More writing... -- Genny Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
auggie55 ®

01/08/2017, 20:42:45
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It was only about 6 years ago that I last lived there. I always parked my cab in front of those places, as that was my crowd anyway, thus my preferred(usually) passengers.   I remember once parked outside of another of Jay's bars, Owlsleys, I gave a freebie as a favor, and drove Robbie Krieger a lift back to his hotel room. He was the doors guitarist. He mostly wanted to talk about cab driving. Of course I wasn't such an idiot that I'd ask "Did Jim really drink a lot"? , or anything about Morrison. I regretted not catching that show as the impromptu band did as much Dead as Doors. It was always funny when dosed kids would hop in the cab after those events and think they were having a cosmic experience. I generally had Dead or Phish bootlegs playing, and  as an English speaking, non-Muslim hippie driver who encouraged smoking in the car was a mystical thing for them. I got a lot of non-conventional tips! I didn't miss work too much, thus only caught a full show once a month or so, but knew all the doormen thus could freely enter any of those venues to use the washroom and catch a tune or tune anytime. String Cheese, Xavier Rudd etc. etc. One of my Facebook friends, an old touring buddy, took a lot of the photos on the walls at Sanchos. I last rolled through there for Phish at Dick's sporting goods park about 4 years ago. I too am a non Premie, I came here after getting involved with a woman I met through my real good, still practicing PWK , friend. I know a bunch of them here, though only still talk to a few since my friend retired and closed the little vegetarian cafe last summer that I worked at off and on, when here(Ottawa) for about 23 years. Some talked with a glow in their eyes about Denver and some cult compound south of Colfax around Vine or High St., unsure exactly. 






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Re: Best wishes
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praline ®

01/04/2017, 10:22:57
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01/04/2017, 10:24:08
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