Hi Lesley 
There's a school of thought isn't there, that immediately post-exit should not be the time to look at why we entered into a cult. (I left one set of therapy because she wasn't specifically trained and wanted to talk about my parents all the time, when I was dealing with shock and PTSD symptoms.) It's good advice so far as I could tell - but dealing with why we got caught up in that destructive dynamic has to come at some point, if we are to truly accept the past and forgive ourselves. Well that's what worked for me anyway, though it took some considerable time and warrior-like commitment to recovery. I absolutely do forgive myself, fuck yes I do. I was vulnerable, at sea emotionally with no family looking out for my emotional welfare and an inability to form healthy relationships because of that. Absolutely natural I should look for somewhere to 'belong.'
You sound like a normal artist, experiencing those moments of frustration when the inspiration isn't happening. I regularly shout at myself and fling the guitar down, along with the scribbles of crappy lyrics that aren't flowing how I'd like. It's a maddening journey sometimes.
What still gets me is the stubborn picture of him in my head that will not leave...I'm so pissed off about that. I took up yoga again, (life is so busy I need an organised de-stress)...and during relaxation the fuc*er is just there, like he has ownership over my peace. I'm walking, or in the bath or just trying to enjoy my breath (or whatever, yknow just chill basically and perhaps claw back a moment of spiritual one-ness, bite me!) and he's there emerging from my psyche like a buried zombie sticking his hand out of the grave. I have not conquered that one. I just wish wish wish he would go away.
Apart from that I'm cool.
