But on closer inspection the idea that we were the ones who turned it into a personality cult simply wasn't true. 

I realised that I was falling into that old narc trap of them being squeaky clean and me being the one in the wrong, no blame, nothing to see here, crawl away and figure out why you're just not feeling it any more, nothing too much to do with him, 

just a shift in resonance

look inside me and see the flaw first,

... ok, not a total failure as a strategy but if it stops there and fails to consider the facts and the inner workings of the other person... then it's just

crap and new age nonsense, subjugation and co dependence and all those other big words that let arseholes be arseholes way longer than they should be allowed

I have been at either end of the spectrum of soft and hardass approach to prem and have found he can be anything to anyone really, whatever you want him to be, an insignificant ugly bug that you squash as you walk by and never think of again, a minor demon in the darshan line to the cloven hoof, 

a charismatic fatty who is doing a soft con right on to a self deluded psycho who is a meglamaniac, there are many more descriptions and ALL of them are true on one level or another, even the get out of jail free card of guru who i stopped relating to. I have seen him as any and all of those and more. Most of that has to do with my precious and wonderful process! 

in the process of finding out the facts it is how shall we say- enlightening

after that I am processing my emotions around it, sometimes I am justifiably angry, sometimes sad, sometimes elated that i am free! Occasionally I feel the whole thing a burden and want to forget about it, move on, forgive, forget. It is only the thought of him recruiting newbies that stops me from leaving the entire chapter in the dust. It is about how I am processing the things that happened and all the intricate details, sometimes soft on myself, hard on him, sometimes harder on myself. Picking up all the good stuff and realising it belonged to me all along, that the epiphanies and realisations and experiences I had were all mine all along, he took credit because he is vain and imagines himself equal with God

Once I realised I was deceived big time I kept on having to remind myself of that, after years of brainwash it didnt really gel completely

I needed information, as you say, and here we all are

the more I found out, the more personal tales I read, the more I wrote and read, allowed me to form a bigger distance between him and what he had me believe about him and the world and myself. 

I saw the part of me that swallows hogwash out of loyalty, love, submission, i saw my part in it and still am seeing more

That doesnt mean he didnt have a part, a big part, a lead role in fact

It is all so clear now, clarity is priceless

it's all been worth it just to reach here, oh yes he taught me clarity alright, but only by getting as far away as possible so I could get him into focus and understand he is a thoroughly flawed individual who has way to much influence.

 Narcs get away with it simply because the rest of us cant even imagine someone with almost ZERO empathy. We dont know the inside workings of a predator, so we dont see the red flag, even though our inner guidance can sure show up and say so

On the way to my K session i had huge red flags going off in my head and in my environment, everything was screaming no!

i wasnt listening, i'd already been brainwashed not to trust my mind, trust him. I'd been prepared for this, very carefully prepared

the silt from the bottom of your mind will be stirred up and will cloud your sight and other poetic and hypnotising notions

Forming a big split in me that shifted to a greater or lesser degree but the more trust i put in him the bigger that became.

Basically the lesson is, giving your heart and mind to a crazy person can make you faaaaarking crazy yourself

naturally

i bet psych wards see it all the time

battered wife syndrome comes to mind as an example

for me its about recognising the facts and the traits of these folks I never want to cross paths with and steering clear, emphatically, not wishy washy as I was as a premie

enjoying life

remember that?

this time its TRUE 

yay!