My family was mixed up christian, catholic and anglican, consequently we went to the protestant church as kids because we could walk there- and give mum a morning without us. No brand allegiance just moral codes to live by, that sort of thing

 I have always been interested in all manner of philosophies and religions and have studied at length with the western mystery school 

(Qabala,tarot, hebrew even and of course christian references within that) and also with the deer tribe, american indian wisdom.

All of it has a place in me and I enjoy where it all meets up. A number of times I will make a reference to a tarot card by way of explanation because thats is the symbol at the time that says it all, knowing the meaning of the symbols and the root of the hebrew describing the symbols.

No body suggested I pray to jesus, i just did...

I was clutching at straws, unable to sleep, tears pouring down my face unable to stop crying. It's just the sort of thing one does in that state I guess at 3 in the morning

praying to rawat had felt increasingly disconnected and empty, this was before i exited or really had any criticism of rawat

all i knew was I couldnt practise or watch a video to the end and i found him irritating or boring or becoming irrelevant.

anyway the contrast in the feeling was notable

I have no church, unless it's a beautiful tree or special spot in the forest somewhere, not sure I ever will, the group thing is not attractive

Also I have a mix of ideas that have all served me by way of explaining the way life is to me, the native american ideas and observations among some of the best IMO, which I have carried all this way, with or without rawat

All that study I did while still in the cult, I must have been missing something...

I know various premie friends and my husband wondered what the hell I was doing sometimes

As it was, I just thought I have a voracious mind that needs to follow what it's interest is

I feel like all experiences of a subtle intuitive nature are very hard to explain,I'm sure you've all experienced that, because there are nuances and feeling connected to a matrix of feelings in your mind at one time. Simultaneously there are many epiphanies being reached at once and the explanation of the story to myself can sometimes have me believe the reduced to words version rather than the original feeling that was all encompassing. 

Our belief systems have a lot to do with our interpretations i realise and I am happy with that. 

I have been interested in finding out more about christianity since leaving the cult, partly because of the lack of moral fibre in the cult and in me when I observe my behaviour over the years. 

It's an independant kind of study this time with no class work apart from my own self directed enquiry

I am a bit of an experimenter and adventurer in some ways, which can lead me into some good and of course at least one significant unsavoury encounter, with the cult.

The thing that kept me there was a stronger sense of loyalty than a sense of questioning, it's been good to understand that about me, how I can stick at things way past them not working 

I think we all have an inclination to respond to tone of voice for what it's worth Lesley

how in hell did we put up with his screeching?