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| Re: childish expectation |  | ||
| Re: childish expectation -- Inis | Top of thread | Post Reply | Forum |
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" I still have a hard time to accept that something I once believed beautiful was in fact so lame." Lame is a good word for it... yes Inis, and so it goes for a while. But you can find, like me that the HOPE hasn't yet been killed in you, for mankind, for humans, for your own true self. And that is a blessing, it really is After a while I decided to stop brutally chiding myself for showing up with some childish expectation or other and just recognise that I am perfectly human. I too have hoped for so much to change within that freak show It is so natural to feel hope and it is also natural to want to feel hopeful for human evolution, the triumph of the better part of the self and all that. Those were part of our sincere wishes and hopes for the future when we were led into the cult. The true part of me is still true, he couldn't take that away. These days I count the childish expectations I might have, the innocence, the foolishness sometimes as a necessary part of my wholeness and although I understand at times they may be unrealistic standing alone, they more echo my expectations for myself and underscore a deliberate need to just be honest with myself about my feelings without judgement. The cult taught me lots of self judging, self sabotaging ways over time, congruent with my personality type...so the important thing for me at this time has become stepping back from self criticism as a habit and practise self acceptance with kindness and forgiveness of myself kind words to myself in my head. I found myself at a friends place lately doing some felting. There is a stabbing action involved which I took seriously (The subtext was that when the ex narc boyfriend of 5 years ago stole from me, threatened my family and was a general pain in the arse I caused a ripple in local legend by stabbing with a kitchen knife his underpants still hanging on the line) I must have been gripping the needle really hard or something anyway I broke 2 needles in the space of 15 minutes. Keep in mind there has been a 90 minute round trip that morning to buy these things and I live 2 and a half hours away from my girlfriend. Upon breaking the 2nd needle I found myself saying out loud,before I could even think 'Aw, I love myself, I really do' and my friend and I both laughed. |
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