I was not really able to deal with the grief at the time. I am finding satisfaction in knowing that being out from under his toxic influence I am able to deal with grief and loss better than when I was in the cult.

Maybe it's because I don't run from it anymore. 

I feel everything until it has somehow transformed into something less significant, or less overwhelming.Until I have gleaned the meaning from it, the lesson.

I don't deny my feelings anymore but use them to gauge what I really want, who I really am.

And yes if that means having a conversation with my departed loved ones, that is exactly what I do. 

Because I have regrets about some of the ways the cult got in the way, there are some things I need to ask for forgiveness for. I don't really think that is too different to most peoples lives in one respect. It seems normal to me now, a natural part of self development.

It seems odd that the cult that was claiming to bring me self development was holding me back from any honest evaluation of my actions. I really became so selfish under his influence.

 Some of the most basic human needs he dismissed as trivial to the point of brainwashing me into thinking that normal human relationships were part of what was holding me up on my path to enlightenment. 

He knows absolutely nothing about inner growth, his pinnacle of self is his giant ego, his manufactured identity as the perfect master of the time. He is a hologram of himself and is in fact HOLLOW, a shadow, a projection. 

 I am able to acknowledge now that the most significant part of me is larger than all the goings on, deeper than that- and in real terms able to cope! far more than I have given myself credit for.

 He had me in a place of learned helplessness and insufficiency,a dependance on him that required darshan- if possible at least once a year, and  a place where I desperately needed to hide from the world, for the world to be an ok place for me to be,put my head under a blanket and NOT DEAL, every day. 

That meant hiding from my responsibilities, and over time all those things that needed to be fronted up to in my world became harder and harder to do, because the only way i'd been shown to cope was to run away, to deny in essence what it all meant to me and how my actions and inaction would impact on it all.

The significance of my emotions was minimised to the point of near death of my emotions, I wasted a lot of time second guessing myself, not allowing feelings that would ordinarily have woken me up sooner to his manipulations. 

It was difficult as I began to notice things, more than 10 years before I exited, no one else could verify what I felt, I got very down on myself for not trusting his word implicitly, for doubting occasionally, for having my own opinion, for not being impressed with his artwork, for finding him increasingly mean to peoples faces (at events) and laughing at them, and everyone laughing along. It made me uncomfortable.

 He was at times really arrogant and vain. He was always saying one thing and doing another. The last event I went to he spent a large portion of time belittling someone who suggested he should dye his hair. After 20 minutes I'm pretty sure any premie there who dyed their hair wasn't doing that anymore!

But the video from after that event - he had dyed his hair! 

His stance on relationships had me at war with myself often. He seemed to have little respect for women and sneered at committed relationships as if they were all doomed to failure. 

His insecurities and fears became mine!

It is so good to be able to see all that and say all that now. I feel as if I lived half my life blindfolded and bound. 

Now that that is all over, forever- I am relieved and also quietly excited to be at the beginning of a whole new chapter of life!

 where I need not be influenced by his vanity and lies, where my feelings are a reliable compass for the most part - and my thoughts are in a process of being refined, discarding the assumptions that come from years of brainwash. 

It all feels better than when I was in the cult. He used to insist that 'it just gets better'

....bullshit.

 I can attest that after 30 years NO, it did not get better. It got worse, I got worse, my learned helplessness was a habit by then, 

life had not got less demanding, my skills were dormant and the love from him I tried to feel was imaginary and not something to base my life and any decisions on.

Happily being out I can definitively say it DOES get better.

 Concentrating on the gratitude for being out in the first place is a fuel for future happiness that I am finding does not diminish. 

Coping skills are obviously there and any negative beliefs about myself, who I am, what I'm good or bad at, how I deal with relationships of all kinds, what my understanding of Creator is, all my beliefs, the ones I know I have and (with a degree of excitement) the ones I don't know I have, are being unearthed and are up for review.

 

It's a real time of self growth and development and yes it is getting easier and better all the time.

Warat must surely know you can't fool all of the people all of the time. Content with fooling some of them most of the time is how he has had to roll.

The mask is slipping, I hope his 'live' interviews are in fact live and not edited to hell by his minions. 

And I hope his 'hosts' are more discerning than he anticipates. 

It'll all work if you can control every juncture prem.... good luck with that.

Considering he is NOT the lord and he of all people knows that, his new marketing plan might be harder than it seems. He can't stop the world from waking up, no matter how hard he tries