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| Some of my story, which began in '72 and finally ended 2007 |  | ||
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I'll just come out and tell you straight up I am a believer in Yeshua (Jesus) now -- but not because I switched from one crutch to another. I was "following" no one at all for the some 13+ years after divorcing myself from M. (I find referring to his full name or title distasteful and too respectful considering how many people he has used and abused, so that is why I just say M.) But were are not here to talk about Yeshua. We are here to talk about getting out of M idol-worship, what we experienced and thought and saw when we were there -- and how and when we got out, right? I posted a little bit about this on my FB page today in a slightly different context so I'm just cutting and pasting a portion of what I shared there today with a bit more added since you all already understand who my "guru" was: I got bushwhacked into a Knowledge session in July 1972. I was a lost soul who was desperately unhappy, from a family in which I had always been unwanted and so emotionally needy that killing myself and getting it over with sounded a lot more appealing than living. For many years I gave M credit for saving my life. But the fact is, when I gave God the ultimatum that if He didn't help me within 2 weeks I was going to kill myself -- I already knew I would be receiving "Knowledge" in that amount of time. How deceptive our minds are! I am absolutely certain -- just as I am certain of how lost I was back then -- that if I hadn't already read a flyer that had me convinced he was literally the Messiah I would never have made that ultimatum. (And for the record, I do not recommend giving God ultimatums. He does not play by our rules; we play by His!) Knowledge session. Mahatma Charanand squeezed my eyes and asked me what I saw during the technique initiation. I saw light and colored stars and the sun and the moon and a tree, all surrounded by white light. THIS IS IT, thought I. I had found the holy grail. I even heard real music with the listening technique (a music which by the way I NEVER heard again, even after many years of meditation). I believe Charanand had spiritual powers. Anyone that knows much about spiritual things knows that spiritual powers can be from God -- or from a deceitful source. Just because the powers are there does not make them good or "truth." Nor does the light mean those powers are good. Even Lucifer (whose name was changed to Satan once he rebelled and became a proud deceiver) was known as full of light and the most perfect of God's creations. Yes. Even Satan can visit one as an Angel of Light. And today in fact there are multitudes who worship him -- who wants to be higher than God -- as if he WERE higher than God. But enough of that. I know many if not most who read this are not (or not yet) believers in Yeshua. You must forgive me, because I can only be myself, and Yeshua is my passion. But let me get back to my story with the deceiver known as M (which in his mother tongue means king): I was hooked. I know at the august age of 18 knew everything that was important to know. I went to India for a long stay with thousands of other "premies" to be with Maharaji in November '72. My memory is good but growing vague. Were we there four weeks or six? One or the other. Six months later I moved into the Denver ashram. When I moved into the ashram I had already been coming by daily after my work which was only a few blocks from the Kittredge Bldg. to do service, transcribing for And It Is Divine magazine. It was really dull stuff in the beginning -- listening to tapes of farmers being interviewed about their agriculture techniques is what I remember. It was stuff nobody else wanted to do, so when I moved into the ashram Sandy Meadows, the editor of the magazine, made sure I would be given the job of full-time transcriber. Soon after I moved in Maharaji surprised us all and came to Denver and did a series of talks (that we called satsangs). I remember going to see him at Phipps Auditorium. His mother dressed all in white was on the stage. I was seated in the middle of the large crowd. M came on stage, dressed in whites, which seemed to glow super bright. His white clothes were so bright! It hit me like a ton of bricks. "He's the antichrist!" I looked at his mother and thought, "How DARE you pretend your son is the new Jesus?!" "Oh no, what am I thinking?!" My head got really, really hot. I felt like my head was in a vice grip and on fire at the same time. I felt hot and it was hard to breathe. I had to get out of there! And I did. I got out of there. It was a peaceful evening and I sat out on the steps outdoors of Phipps Auditorium, my head swimming. I did not know what to do, what to think. I had already moved into the ashram. I had no possessions beyond what I wore, no money for a taxi. "If I had money, I would call a taxi!" "But where would I go? I have no place to go!" "I don't care, but no use thinking about that since you don't have the money..." I sat out there until the event was finished and the premies and others piled out of the building in droves. I had come in a big bus (a refurbished school bus the ashrams used), and I got back on it as people boarded. When I got back to my ashram I told another girl that lived there what I had been experiencing and thinking. "I don't know what to do!" I told her. "Oh, that happened to me too," she said. "It went away after a while." So, that was my genius plan: to "wait until it goes away." I got up the next morning to discover my face and entire body was covered in hives and I had terrible headaches to go with it for a couple of weeks. Until I just forgot my worries and went back to transcribe. Only now I had become the person who transcribed nearly all of M's talks, and I did that for the next 3 years. I moved out of the ashram the day I realized that I was AFRAID to move out. At that point I had been there 3 years and I was nearly 22 years old. The world seemed a really scary place. I hadn't even paid attention to Watergate (which came down during the time I lived in the 'shram). As soon as I realized I was afraid to move out, I knew that I MUST move out -- and I had after all just finished transcribing the talk where M told us all (for the very first time) that the 'shram was more like a hospital where hopefully we would get well. I took it to mean we were NOT being held to the lifelong commitment we made when we moved in. I moved out without much ado, especially since M had said that -- and me being the one that transcribed what he said, no one could argue and tell me I was just "hearing things." The legendary mass exodus from the ashrams a year or two later was yet to come I guess. After moving out there came a point maybe a year later where I really didn't feel like meditating or listening to M at all anymore. I decided to just let it go. And for about 6 years I did just that. I'm going to pause my long and complicated story here. What I have already told is so abbreviated, and even with abbreviations my story of getting involved with M -- AGAIN -- after becoming a Christian is also long and complicated and it would not be fair to my story to over-abbreviate it, so I'll just fast-forward to say that the second time around I was the "coordinator" for the video events, etc. of M in the town I live for 6 years before I came to the point of realizing M was not who he had always pretended to be. In the beginning for me -- 1971, when I first heard of M -- I was given a flyer where he said, "I am the source of peace in this world, but what can I do unless people come to me with a sincere desire to know truth?" Over time, M changed his angle more than a few times. He who was once openly called "lord of the universe" morphed into "perfect master" which morphed into "master." I don't know what he calls himself now, but he really, really likes that "master" title. The day came I knew he was just in it for himself. That is the day I left off serving him. It took a lot longer than that to speak of it. Once one has invested heart and soul into someone like that for a long while it is EXCRUCIATINGLY difficult to pull oneself out of it. Not only do you feel spiritually humiliated and raped, but if you have followed him/her long enough and given a LOT of yourself and your income to said scamster, but so many of your friends -- and even family -- STILL "believe" in that person and in a sense you lose them too.
I am VERY thankful to know that "all things
But you know what? I am
meditating -- ever -- (although for the second time) -- in spring or summer of 2007. Nothing bad happened to me. In fact, I got BETTER. The next six years were a slow process of finding my way. And it took that long before I found Yeshua again. It's ironic. M used to tell an old Hindu story about someone who is with their true master and then gets swept off in a stream that becomes a river and then marries and has children and this happens and that happens and they lose their spouse and their children and their house and then find themselves back where the master is there waiting for him/her. Well, that is what happened for me. But that master that was always there for me and waited for me and forgave me was Yeshua Messiah (Jesus Christ), not M. Maybe that will explain to you just how long and complicated my story is! Anyhow, I have been M-free for about 15 years now. I may have overstated time periods above and said 6 or 7 years when I should have said 4 or 5 years. Apologies for that. Sometimes it is hard to pinpoint the exact years on the calendar, but now that I think of it, it was definitely either late 2001 or early 2002 that I first realized he was a fake. It was another 5-6 years before I let go of meditating. Well, shoot. I said this was going to be short but I guess I lied. Thanks to the webmaster for making this space for people to communicate about all of this. Being programmed and used like that -- well, it's just a heavy thing for those of us that really got into it. |
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