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Danny, It's been a long, weird trip for you. I want to encourage you to embrace your anger, and to commend you for loving god (who the lard obviously is not) for so long. I am not usually outspoken with my opinions, probably because I am so confused now that I don't have the illusion of knowledge. But in desperation you held on so long - hope gives us strength to the finish line. I was searching and found the lard when I was 16. As the cognitive dissonance increased over the 30+ years and I looked into other sources of truth, and eventually EPO - I was able to see that the focus of my faith was wrong. And yes, I was very angry, less so now. Venting and validation here helped process the anger, as did owning my heart, forgiving myself. I cried and cry for that innocent who was, only to find she is still here. But in the beginning, like overcoming addiction, anything that I associated with that lifestyle - Indians, new age music, Indian food... was repulsive and to be avoided. Wow, I remember throwing out a whole dresser drawer full of videos (while saving some classics for future reference, those beloved ones I haven't watched as of yet), and running over some cassettes with my car. The dreadful discussion with that close premie friend in which I surely felt I have just discovered America - and they would too. Another delusion. The first time I went to Amaroo I was so free, roaming around the woods hoping I would run into the lard on one of his nature walks (not); could have been bitten by a poisonous snake! A premie and I got wind of the bus that was going to Daya's restaurant and we thought, well, we'll just go to the bar, we don't have to pay for the restaurant (so naive), so we hid in the bus by bending over in our seats and the driver somehow called us out and one of the musicians said, we don't know who they are (what do you mean?...aren't we all one?), but then there was a driver switch and off we went (the power of positive intention we used to give away under the name of grace). Well, it was still fun then, and I was naive and I didn't suffer so much the fact that the people with money were getting the darshan. Yet, drip drip drip, I started to hear that there was a mistress and drinking. And more premies were smoking cigarettes and drinking at the programs and more often than not, the premies were not very nice. It was becoming apparent that the ji didn't want to spend any time with us, at quickie events as well as at Amaroo, and we were leaving our jobs to attend spur of the moment programs, and yes, there was an elite section and then the peasants. I didn't really know the world was like that then; I didn't focus on that. I'm in the US, and when I see the attitude of the current prez, and incidentally most of the government, it reminds me of the narcissistic, entitlement behavior of the lard, which we were not to judge, just a lila! But if all the trappings of the 70's were taboo, then he was no longer able to claim them as deductibles.
I hope you stay true to your heart and we are glad you are here too.
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