Roark I am deeply disappointed in your decision!

I thought you were going to join me as a devotee of Bhole Ji, or as we call him these days, Hanslok. And now you say you want to have your own Guruship. How could you do this to me?

You say you are retooling your approach, and will re-enter the market very soon after sorting out a few
branding issues. Come on. When is this going to stop? What if Raja Ji claimed
to be “the Guru” too? That would mean all four of the Rawat brothers and you
all claiming to be the one and only Superior Power in Person. This makes no sense. It is truly confusing and demoralizing for all us proper devotees. Please reconsider.

I also ask you to re-examine your attempt to get TED on your side. You know full well that TED is totally
into all that “mine, thine, health, wealth,” stuff. He is clearly one of those
“river of bondage to maya” guys. You don’t want to hang with guys like that, when
you can follow Hanslok.

You see, there was once this man who really liked a boat and one day decided to steal it, so he went down
to the dock at midnight when it was pitch dark, jumped in, grabbed the oars
and started rowing away. It wasn’t until morning when the sun came up (the light, get it?) that he
noticed that although he had been rowing frantically all night he hadn’t gone
anywhere because he had forgotten to untie the boat from the dock. Roark, I
implore you, untie the boat! Let go of this impossible dream of yours.

Okay, let’s get real
for a moment. There are so many advantages to being a devotee of Hanslok.
First, he has all that 5-Hour Energy Drink money so you would probably be able to
get you a discount if you promised to buy in bulk. Second, Hanslok never did any of
that “I am the Lord, no I’m not the Lord, yes I am the Lord” flip-flopping.
Third, he is a first class musician, if you have any doubts about this just
listen to any Blue Aquarius album. And fourth, he is just a really nice family guy.
I particularly liked it in the 70s when he would wear those sequined sparkly
suits. So cool and Vegas. That’s the way a true Guru in the West should dress.
Do you have one of those suits? I don’t think so.

So roark, not everyone can be Satguru. Can you imagine the chaos we would have in this world if everyone walked
around wearing a Krishna costume? So please roark, I invite you to reconsider this
reckless pipedream of yours and join me in devotion to Hanslok. There is only
one Perfect Master and his name is Hanslok. I mean, just like Footkisser said, who are we to say that he isn't the Lord. Cling to his feet!