Many of the people on this Forum (active or lurkers) were long time ashram premies, or deep into service at DECA or the Rez. Your descriptions of ashram life are similar to my own. The Bhakti, the Bliss, the SURRENDER, the foot kissing and etc. Many in the Forum share that history with you. I find it a little odd that a: your tone is that you were the only one to experience that, and b: that you are adopting a defensive posture to those here in the Forum.

While I welcome your voice, and I heartily welcome a lively debate, (there are times it gets a little boring here) I feel you are coming off a little preachy and superior here. Get to know us a little. You will find there is a LOT of kindness and compassion in this group!

If you want to see FIREWORKS and arguments go back a few years and read when premies would post here. Anyone remember Jonk?

So when did you ex-out? What were some of the "drips" that led you to leave? What were some of your hardest issues to process?

I was in the ashrams from '73 - closing. I was one of the gopi girls. I worked the darshan recovery area for those that passed out after kissing the LOTU's feet (cringe). I passed out myself more than once. I set the table nightly for the ji with a plate of food and flowers. One night I polished a green apple and went out in the Berkeley night at midnight to steal flowers for the altar. When I got back the apple was GONE! Everyone in the house was long asleep! I was questioned by EVERYONE in authority to see if I was having a psychotic break . Out of that I wrote the poem about Bhilni. You probably read it. It hungon the ji's wall at the rez for a while.

I had a LOT of "mystical" (for lack of a better word) experiences. I still don't have a handle on what was "real" and what was emotionally fomented brain activity.I don't know if I ever will. 

I moved into the ashram at 20. Moved out at 30. Those 10 years stunted my emotional growth and warped my emotional state to the point that I haven't been able to have a healthy love relationship with a man. I still have the "surrender"model wrapped up with "love"and end up getting manipulated and used. Single life is OK.

Anger, yes, at times I am still VERY angry about being used by a narcissistic sociopath that I TRIED FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BEING TO SURRENDER TO! (look everyone - no cussing, no 90 pt red bold screaming hate filled message to the ji). 

So, welcome to a family of wounded contrary misfit cats that cannot be herded in any one direction. 

I look forward  to lively conversations, sometimes perhaps heated, and continued deconstruction of the effects cult life have had on all of us. The more real we all are with each other, the more we grow out of the shadow of the ji. 

Karen Kirschbaum

Waynesville, NC USA