Newdawn

Don't be afraid of the Dark as there is ALWAYS a New Dawn...and many beautiful things can be found there.  Probably your greatest personal truths.  Religion is a group experience, and spiritual awareness is a very personal one, and most spiritual journeys are downright lonely.  Unless of course you understand that the divine is within, not without.  

My experience is vastly different from yours, and I hesitated for days in posting to you, knowing full well that everyone else here would have way better things to say, but I couldn't stop thinking about you.  Maybe because we're the same age, or maybe because I actually do know a thing or two about being spiritually lost.  And how very very ok that is.  

Understanding astrology has helped me, especially North Node stuff.  North Node is our spiritual guide and it really comes into play around mid life...check it out, you might find great comfort there.  Given your age, I'd guess that it's knocking at your door for attention.  Without getting too weird, Pluto is doing stuff right now too that will compel all of us to look closer at our Shadow sides...to deal with stuff long pressed down, and it could take it upon itself to completely deconstruct our lives, rid us of anything that doesn't serve us anymore, and rebuild from whatever ashes are left.  You sound like you're feeling the effects of that, and it will pass.  

I wrote this lil poem to comfort myself one day.  Without knowing my whole story some of it won't make sense but you'll get the gist, and maybe a little comfort too.

I never heard of autocorrect driving anyone to near suicide, but I do know of several beaten down brainwashed premies who were driven to it...so I'm glad you're here to feel your growing pains, and I'm glad you're coming to this site for tips on dealing with them. Be well, Genny

Losing My Religion

Amazing Grace

How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost

But now am found

Was blind, but now I SEE

Inheritance

Came way too soon

Was much too young to read

Your signs were there

All along

The Gift was still a seed

Who knows how far

Things could have gone

If left Whole, just to Be

We may have saved

The world, but then

It broke when he left me

To see his death

The day before

Was crazy pain to bear

I didn't tell

A single soul

Went black and couldn't share

You tried to teach

Me how it feels

But I just couldn't know

The day I cried

And sparked the Sight

Felt nothing like Your Glow

I thought I'd try 

Another way

No God, No Gifts to use

You take so much

From little girls

And You, I tried to lose

I turned my back

On Your sweet Gifts

Just please leave me alone

You never left

Just gave me time

To find You on my own

Amazing Grace

How sweet the Sound

That saved a wreck like me

You came in Dreams

Could not deny

"Accept your Legacy"

I met a Witch

Along my way

Who showed me so much more

Religion's not

The only Way

Your path, you must explore

You know that Christ

Is not for you

And Gurus will deceive

Our Mother Earth

Retains the Keys

And Moon has tales to weave

They dance around

The Sun for us

And show us who we are

And how to Love

The other ones

Who share our lonely Star

With that new sight

I heard much more

And couldn't not Believe

The city became

Way too loud

I knew had to leave

The Mountains called

And off I went

To find some peace from Noise

You got louder

Instead of calm

And gave me some new Toys

Can do it all

But nothing well

"So what's your specialty?"

Just Listen well

Sit back and Feel

And let the Gift use me

Amazing Grace

How sweet Your Sounds

Saving a mess like me

I turned You down

But had no choice

You came and set me Free

The Roads that lead

To You are vast

No exclusivity

You dwell within

Each One of us

And spark Kundalini

We look outside

Ourselves sometimes

And wonder where You are

There's so much pain

You must be gone

Just look at all the scars

Life should be hard

It's why we're here

To balance the Beyond

But when I need

To soothe myself

I dip in Your Sweet Pond

The pain is not

Derived from You

It's our best way to heal

The Karmic holes

We made one time

You know they're ours to feel

The Love is real

The pain's real too

Must be a cosmic joke

It's up to Us

Not up to You

To fix the things We Broke

But You are there

To show us how

To mend the breaks and holes

You shed the Light

On Miracles

And soothe our gentle Souls