Hi Auggie, what you describe is a normal person's fluctuation between two emotional extremes. When I was a younger premie, I had no problem trying on different roles and allegiances. I loved satsang and meditation, but on weekends I would sneak out of the ashram to explore swimming holes and hiking trails, or in some cases a Dead Show. I read books galore and loved making music.
But as time went by, the noose of devotion ratcheted tighter and tighter. I could no longer consider time with old friends or natural interests. It became a battle of wills, as I adopted single-mindedness. Rawat's mission demanded an escalating form of attention and sacrifice.
Yes there was something to be gained from constant focus....but to what end ? Meanwhile my guru was demonstrating every type of material excess, obviously delusional or existing in some rarefied air (maybe he was on drugs or an alcoholic?) I can't think of another explanation.
Satgurus held a special get-out-of-jail-free card in those days called "Lila". This was a blanket excuse for any behavior or activity that didn't fall within plausible explanation. And boy did Rawat exploit that clause in the fine print (of our contract). We ate it up of course, it explained everything...
With my own PWK friends I finally had to lay down the gauntlet: "Either come to terms with your fantasy world, or stop expecting the rest of the world to pander to your phony spiritualism". To date only a few of them have stepped up to the challenge. It's easier to drift around society like a gypsy: no honor, no backbone, no real contribution.
Two cents wiser? I think so. Mark B
