The only feelings we were allowed... yep

It feels like irony- because the reality proved to be opposite to what I thought I was getting,I was told a mirror to my true self as you say. It feels like irony subjectively yet in the big picture it is more like deception. 

More like smoke and mirrors and hypnotism. 

I left after harrowing times of being too far from my true self for too long. I actually prayed to understand, i remember, I was at my ropes end,I prayed to understand what it was I had to know, to learn, from the previous years of suffering, because I couldn't deal with anymore of it, and I obviously hadn't got the message because I kept finding myself in situations i could not handle with narcissists in particular. I did not pray to rawat, that had stopped working years before for some reason, I now struggle to remember if it ever did, but that night I prayed in absolute earnest to jesus and mary. I had actually forgotten that until recently. Anyway long story short, not long after that after a pretty steady succession of 'drips' that ive described before, i did understand! incredibly clearly and almost painlessly. I realised with a a massive dose of irony that I was in a long distance obsessive relationship with a narcissist all this time and this was the root of the 'weeds in my garden'

I was so surprised and shocked actually to find myself seeing rawat as just an ordinary person with the a solid gold ego to match his toilet seat that i forgot to feel sad. I have since of course, i've felt so many emotions through that process but still now i feel kind of thrilled! that i somehow came out of that narcissists prison.

I feel so lucky, escaped by the skin of my teeth kind of thing. And the further away I get the more I see what serious trouble I was in under his spell. i had actually wanted to serve god, not this deceiver, but the road to hell they say is paved with good intentions