"When you think back on it, did you actually see him as brilliant, unselfish, loving, etc or did you see him much as you now see him but explained it away as being a fault in your perception or a lack of understanding"
Rawat put on a great facade for a long time. He is extremely careful about anyone who gets even remotely close to him. It took about 20 years of seeing him several times a year before he let down his guard around me and really slipped up. Most of the times I saw him or talked to him, he was very distant and nearly impossible to engage. There were a small handful of selected topics we would talk about. Most of his comments were highly opinionated and his attitude was very patronizing. In hindsight, he would simply spout off as if he was an authority on just about anything. Because anyone around him was basically in a stupor, he could easily get away with that.
Most premies around him were entrapped in a mind state that is hard to describe. I've never seen anything like it. It went far beyond just a "yes sir Maharaji" attitude. It went far beyond respect or adoration and really is almost best described as a state of self induced shock. Most people were just stupefied and unable to communicate or express any real congruent ideas. There was a pervading numbness of mind or dulled and completely suspended sense of feeling or thought in most premies that surrounded him.
Try to imagine for a minute what it would be like for Rawat to be constantly surrounded by people in that condition. It would have to be like living in a science fiction movie or an episode from the old "Twilight Zone" T.V. series. For him it has to be like being the only person alive who knows what's actually going on in a world full of animated puppets. Even more insidious is to think that he was the one who held the strings to those puppets. Rawat was the force that could totally control and direct the puppet's actions and even their feelings by just pulling on their strings.
For some reason, I just don't think I ever fully and totally succumbed to that frame of mind like most premies around him. I was serious about Knowledge and diligently practiced it with discipline. To me, Knowledge was the way to enlightenment. Being around Rawat in person was an added benefit and privilege that hopefully would support and boost my practice of Knowledge. Naturally I felt the more I could be around him the better. But I think that after many years, he eventually saw me as someone that he could relate to on a more human level, and just got careless. There were a few other rare premies I knew who remained relaxed around Rawat as well, and he would also loosen up with them. I'm sure that if Rawat was as isolated from people as described above, he might have actually craved a little real human contact.
The foot kissing policy at the residence changed from time to time. There were periods when it was OK for a premie to dive for his feet at will. But then there were other periods when all that pranaming interfered with daily activities. During construction of the new mansion, Rawat needed to move around freely to check on things and make decisions, so blatant foot kissing was suspended. I remember being there towards the end of construction, while there were still several premies finishing various projects. At one point a group of about 8 or 10 of us were assembled in an accessory office when Rawat walked in unannounced. Everyone stood motionless in a circle while he made some jokingly critical comments. Suddenly, a brave premie closest to him dove for his feet and planted a kiss. Everyone looked on in anticipation of Rawat's reaction. Since he seemed OK with it, the next premie on his right followed suit. Rawat kept talking so it appeared to us that he was going to allow a full round. Each premie sequentially took his turn until it finally came around to me. I was the last in the circle and will never forget what happened. For some reason, I just stood there in apparent defiance, and looked at him. He looked back with a curious expression that seemed to say, "Well here's your chance! What are you going to do?" He then made some meaningless casual comment about pressure washers and started to walk away. As he passed by me, he turned and looked over his shoulder. With a scowl that expressed both dismay and disgust, he made it perfectly clear how displeased he was with my apparent lack of full submission.
For years I beat myself up over it. I remember flying home and agonizing about what an awful and ungrateful premie I must be. How could I have passed up an opportunity like that? Surely I would pay for it some time either in this lifetime or another. But nothing really ever happened. The next time I saw him it was as if it had never occurred. No one else who was there apparently even noticed. They were too blissed out, consumed by their own good fortune.
Looking back, I'm not sure why I chose to pass on the foot kissing that day. But it may have been a temporary expression of the residual doubt that finally set me free from the cult. Now, as I write this, I'm finally glad I chose to stand tall and firm instead of bowing at his feet. Maybe, he felt there was a remnant of humanness still left in me that could understand how pitifully human he really was. Maybe that's why he carelessly let down his guard a few years later, and sat laughing at the world, totally drunk in the back seat of my car. Maybe he thought I'd understand his bad behavior, and just like a couple of regular guys, he guessed it would all be OK. Well, maybe he should have guessed again.
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