I had the honor and privilege of being the first premie to read your story when it was only two-thirds completed and it changed my life! That’s why it’s very special for me to see it published at last and available for everyone.
I literally left Maharaji and Knowledge after reading it…the lack of vitriol was very appealing to me as a practicing premie; it was not what I expected and it touched me deeply and helped me to begin to be *completely* honest with myself.
Your book also helped me to realign my perceptions…being able to see Maharaji for who he is *not* made my decision to leave much, much easier. And I must say that life is so much better today because I no longer live under the cult’s indoctrination. Although the road out was not easy, it has been well worth it, and I have no regrets (in fact, I’m most grateful!) I’m finding a true freedom “without the guru”. 
It was difficult to find a way to express my feelings in this post, and I remember when I finished reading your book last year, I was so moved that I needed to write down my thoughts. I felt a need to communicate with you and ended up sending you a heartfelt letter which was dated August 3, 2008. I would like to share it here. It speaks for itself, so here it is just as I wrote it…
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Dear Mike,
First, I would like to thank you for trusting me enough (through Bob) to allow me to read the draft of your book. It affected me in a profound way that is not easy to express. What touched me most was the total honesty and integrity with which it was written…simply a forthright look at your own experiences and motivations. It further enhanced my understanding of the bigger picture of what the early 70’s were like in Maharaji’s world.
I first heard about Maharaji and Knowledge in September of 1978 and received Knowledge in March of 1979 at the age of 30. I was on the cusp of the devotional era. I came with a sincere heart and believed in my experience “beyond the shadow of a doubt” until recently.
Over the past nine months, I have been watching Bob go through some heart-wrenching times of regret, anger and healing. At first, I definitely didn’t understand why he was focusing so much on the past (old satsangs, etc.) My initial reaction was “just get over it and move on”.
Thankfully, Bob has been able to express the depth of the pain that affected him because of his early years as an ashram premie and the programming that infected his life and his outlook. It has been difficult and confronting for me to see this and start to accept the facts as I never looked at them previously. It also shed a new light on my understanding of the behaviors that I have seen in other “old timers” over the years.
I never lived in the ashram (whew!), so it was easy for me to see them close. I was an “ashram aspirant” but if I am completely honest, seeing them close was a relief for me. I definitely am not the type of person who would enjoy communal living.
It’s astounding how surprised I was to learn how different Bob’s and my perceptions were. It’s even more startling because we’ve been living together for 25 years! I thought the distance that was part of our relationship had to do with the abuse Bob suffered as a child. I was, indeed, taken aback to find out that it was really Maharaji. Bob was totally devoted, whereas I had been perfectly content to embrace the revisionism as the “evolution” of how Maharaji and Knowledge would be presented. I was much more comfortable thinking of him as a teacher who inspired me. As it turns out, I’m really a half-assed premie (and didn’t even realize it).
I still need to do a lot of soul searching to find my own answers. I did not attend the recent event in Albany, but I listened to a CD from that event, and I felt a certain loss of “innocence” (if that’s the proper word for it). I heard the words with a mixture of the way I used to hear the message and the way other “true devotees” would hear the message.
One story from your book that completely affected me and was quite possibly a turning point for me was your description of when your friend was struck and killed by a car on your way to an event. My heart really went out to you for the regret you feel about that incident. It brought back my memory (a total recall, if you will) of my early years with Knowledge and how we really did suppress our emotions and how we felt when tragedy struck…sadness was not acceptable in our minds! At that point in the book, I had to stop reading and start truly reflecting and facing my experience in a more honest way. The best way to describe my reaction was stunned silence. It was similar to the feeling you have when you learn of the sudden, unexpected death of someone close to you…shock, denial, remorse, etc. I walked around in a daze for a couple of days.
As Bob has shared his feelings with me over these past few months, I have felt like my whole belief system has been shaken. It has not been easy. There have been days that have been very difficult and days when everything is just fine again. Personally, I still feel a need to nourish my inner self, so I continue to practice or “meditate” to find my own inner happiness and peace. I do feel like there is a new opportunity being presented for a fresh start and a truly honest approach in our lives.
In any case, I want to thank you again for the courage it took for you to write your book. I know that the support that you and others on the forum provide is helping Bob to become a real human being again. You are offering the kind of support that I am not capable of giving because I did not experience it in the same way. (I still don’t think of myself as an ex-premie, but my perspective has definitely changed.)
I wish you all the best as you continue to search for a publisher.
Respectfully,
Connie Bouchard
